An Impossible Struggle
by Social Twist
Summary: Remus is back teaching, and Severus's eating habits cause the werewolf a bit of worry. Will his developing feelings for the potions master help or make it worst? SLASH Anorexia warning. SSRL
1. Default Chapter

A/N I own nothing and am making no money. Issues of Anorexia. Read at own risk. SLASH

Prelude

Severus Snape was never a heavy eater, but he did appreciate his food. Always snacking on something little when he was growing up, rather then tucking in to the full meals laid out for him at dinner time. His mother always use to say " you must stop eating between meals, Severus, it will ruin your stomach" . When he got to Hogwarts, he was amazed at all the choice, and exhilarated by the fact that no one was telling him what he should eat. Always a skinny boy, it would not matter if he always took the more sugary snacks, the more fatty foods. The control was empowering.

He was always careful, to make sure that Potter and Co, never saw him nibbling though, whenever he ate, he was vulnerable, not at his fighting best. He was always a slight boy, slender. Not good for fighting but perfect for blending into the background.

It never mattered. Everything he did was cause for ridicule, humiliation. He was never good enough. Dumbledor always protected his little Gryffindor pets, leaving him in the cold. On the outside, he became a volatile ball of anger, on the inside, he was raw with pain. He was losing whatever control he had.

But there was one thing no one had any control over…

Chapter one.

As the hall burst into colour, and the tables flourished a thousand smells and tastes, Severus Snape glanced to the man sitting next to him. Remus Lupin. After 13 years of blissful ignorance, his childhood tormentors had returned. Keeping his breathing calm and steady, Severus ignored the panicky ach of knowing that a werewolf who hated his guts was calmly sitting next to him, conversing with Mirvana. How could the headmaster do this to him again? Did he learn nothing from the last time? How did he convince the parents any way ?

Taking a discreet breath, he raised his eyes to the vibrate feast that was laid out before him. It all looked delicious. All kinds of foods, salads, meat, fruit, chocolate, pasta, soup…something for the most picky of eaters. Feeling the adrenalin race through his veins he selected the simple salad, putting a modest portion on his plate. He would have nothing else. No.

Slowly and methodically he became to eat, crunching the food in his mouth slowly, barely noticing the crunchy and refreshing taste. He was more focused on the food he had said no to . He continued to eat at a slow pace, only eating a small mouthful at a time…

By the time the students were beginning to leave for there dorms, Severus glanced done at his plate. Yes. He had had enough. It looked like enough… If anyone asked, he would say he was feeling unwell. No one would ask. No one looked at his eating habits. What would it matter if they did? Pushing his plate away, he stood up and left the great hall, feeling pride well up within himself.

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Remus Pov

Severus was different. The Severus Snape that he remembered was a skinny pale boy, full of jittery nerveus's energy. Beautiful in an unconventional way. He was exquisite, unique and exotic .The man who sat next to him was just as thin, just as pale, but the hidden energy, the impression that sitting still was a bore and he had to keep his hands moving, had disappeared. He could not look into the face, since the dark haired man had kept his face forward, and the curtain of black hid most of his features from the werewolf.

Today he had barely moved at all. Reaching out only to get a meagre amount of salad. Eating it so slowly Remus wondered whether he liked it at all. He had been perplexed to find that most of the food had been left by the dark haired man sparking curiosity. As Remus had watched him walk away, he tried to make out the mans figure through the large billowing robes, but found that he could not even distinguish his waist. That was nothing to worry about. Even as young teens, Severus had never liked to exhibit his body, wearing too large clothes, and shapeless robes. But the one time he saw Severus in just his shirt and trousers…Remus still got a soppy smile on his face when he remembered the promise that day appeared to offer…until Sirius fucked it all up. Oh well, no use crying over split milk…

One thing really worried him though.

Remus was always a fan of Severus's hands. As teenagers, the hands had been the first thing that drew the werewolf to the Slytherin. They were beautiful hands. Finely boned, long fingered delicate wrist and smooth skin. So graceful in there movements. Precise and delicate, fleeting and sure, they were the focus on many of Remus's hormonal fantasies. It was no wonder that the man had become a potions master with hands that able.

But like the rest of the man, they had changed.

They were still as delicate and graceful as they always were. Still just as beautiful. But the bones were far more prominent. The wrist more slender. The veins raised the skin on the back of his hands, and as they held the salad tongs, the fingers trembled…

Shaking his head at the thought that something may be wrong, Remus rose to leave the table. He had to go see the Potions Master about the Wolfsbane, he would put his mind at rest then. He was more then likely just shocked at seeing his old school crush , his first desire. He was just worrying over nothing.

Still, inside, the wolf was howling that something was wrong…

A/N

After reading this, I would assume that you had guessed correctly about who the anorexic is. As a psychology student, one thing I have study is anorexia and its characteristics. So while Severus may appear to be OOC, it is because I am trying to convey the general attitudes of anorexics to him e.g, the obsession with food. This WILL be SLASH , but I thought this chapter was important to set the ground for the fic.

I hope that I did not insult anyone with my handling of a delicate subject.

Please Review and tell me what you think

Review

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	2. Spark

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money

Warnings : slash , anorexia.

Severus wrapped a white fluffy towel around his waist and left the steamy bathroom. That bath was just what he needed to calm down, and he walked unhurried to his bedroom. Flicking his wrist and igniting all the candles, He walked to his large oak wardrobe and pulled out some fresh clothes. Tossing them on the bed, he was about to drop the towel when his mirror caught his eye. Leaving the towel around his waist, he stepped in front of his mirror.

It was a gorgeous mirror. Full length and dark mahogany, it had belonged to his family for generations. It was one a muggle mirror, and offered nothing in terms of conversation or entertainment. Delicate carvings of various flowers decorated the edges, and it stood on slender carved feet. Severus rarely saw the beauty of the mirror. He was more occupied with the image it presented him with.

Dark, lank, greasy hair fell into a pale sharp face. Eyes too dark, cheekbones too high, lips too thin, nose too big. Ugly. And as for the rest…

Raising his large slim hands, he ran them over his torso, waist and hips. It was not a caress, it was an examination. Hands pulled pale skin taunt, seeing how much fat still clung to his bones. Running his fingers done his chest, counting his ribs, he grabbed the flesh at his hips, feeling disgusted when he felt the fat that still surrounded them. Raising his hand up his stomach, he smoothed the skin down, trying to erase the tissue underneath the skin.

Taking a deep breath, he dropped his hands to his side, and looked at himself. Pale skin, stretched over sharp bone. The only thing that was in-between was his organs, and the disgusting layer of FAT. How could he blend in looking like this? How can I sneak up on the brats looking like this? They will see my hulking body a mile off! The Dark Lord will be mad I let myself go!

In his mind, he knew he was looking a little too thin. Knew there was nothing wrong with gaining some weight. But too look in the mirror, and see THAT figure, it drowned out the voice. Too walk away from the feast in the great hall still hungry, feel the pride well up inside, made him willing to forego another meal. There was only one way Severus dealt with these conflicting feelings. He ignored them. He did not have a problem.

Turning to the clothes he had discarded on the bed, he began to dress, careful not too look in the mirror again. He pulled on the black faded jeans, black t-shirt and green jumper before turning again in the mirror. Muggle clothes. Warmer then his billowy robes, and more practical to mix potions in; more freedom of movement. He use to wear old working robes over it, but the heavy fabric always hurt his shoulders if he wore it all day and night. Strangely enough, the Dark Lord was not completely against muggle clothes, and allowed Severus to wear them when he was brewing potions for him, appearing to understand the extra movement they allowed. Severus never really thought about it. Grabbing a hair band, he pulled his hair back into a loose pony-tail. There. Much more practical for potions.

He was about to turn to his workbench, when a loud rapping knock rang through the room. Narrowing his eyes in confusing, he was about to ignore it when it hit him who it was.

'That Bloody werewolf! He said he would be down to discus the Wolfsbane potion! Shit!'

Spinning on his heel, he steamed towards his door, and swung it open and snarled

"You could have been here a bit earlier! Some of us have things to do!"

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" You could have been here a bit earlier! Some of us have things to do!" snarled a very annoyed Severus Snape.

"Er, terrible sorry Severus. I have only just managed to leave Dumbledor. If it is inconvenient, I can always come back tomorrow…" Remus trailed off, taking in the sight of the potions master.

Long Slender legs were encased in black denim, and long arms and a torso was hidden in a baggy green pullover that stopped just above the start of the thigh. Hands that had worried him in the great hall were gripping slim hips in an angry pose, and his hair was pulled back to reveal an annoyed face. The surely Slytherin was looking much more relaxed, despite the annoyance, and Remus felt the honey feeling of desire well up through his veins.

'I should have know he would still be bloody beautiful' he thought.

But just like with the hands, something was worrying him. Severus had always had a thin face, but now the cheekbones were far more prominent, the jaw line more defined. His very structure looked…fragile.

"Are you coming in or are you just going to stare at me all night?" Severus asked, walking back into the room. Remus did feel intrigued , as too why the potions master was wearing muggle clothes, but felt that question would not be appreciated.

"Sorry" Remus said, walking into the brightly lit room, and closing the door behind him. The room was surprising well lit, and the furniture and decorations quite stylish, nothing like the dark pit of doom Remus had imagined in his mind.

Severus had sat down in the chair closest to the fire, and indicated that Remus should sit down too.

"By now you know how the potion works. I have made slight modifications to make the taste better, and well as including a painkiller to help with the transformations. I hope this is acceptable to you. If not , deal with it," Severus said, in a monotone voice.

"I assure you Severus, anything you offer me will be acceptable. I want you to know once gain how much I appreciate this! This potion made my life so much better before, I am so glad you are willing to make it again. Thank you !" Remus gushed, thrilled at the possibility of having some control over his transformations again.

"Don't thank me Werewolf. I am only doing this because I have no choice. If I had my way I would lock you in a cage and throw away the key," Severus replied, but with no bite in his voice.

"Either way I am very grateful! So how has life treated you lately Severus?" Remus asked, leaning into the back of the chair. He always tried to become friends with the Slytherin.

"My life is fine. I teach ungrateful brats things that they make no effort to remember, I have been turned down for the DADA job again in favour of a dark creature, the ministry is constantly breathing down my neck as well as the Order, I have parents complaining to me about the lack of respect for the old traditions in the school and now I have been forced to once again brew a disgusting potion every mouth for someone I could not care less about. Life is dandy" Severus explained sarcastically.

"Still at least you look good!" Remus joked, risking a glance at Severus's long figure. When he looked back into the pale face, he was surprised to find a faint blush staining the mans cheeks, and that the man had wrapped his arms around himself, seemingly cold. Remus got the distinct impression that he had done something wrong.

"Yes well, I think that is all I have to talk to you about Lupin. I will deliver the Wolfsbane to you closer to the full moon," Snape commented, raising to his feet.

Remus stood as well.

"Thank you again Severus." and he held out his hand. Remus did not think he could stand, another year with this mans hostility.

Snape stared at the hand that was offered to him. Slowly, as if the act of shaking hands was new to him, he grabbed the Werewolfs hand. The spark was instant.

Remus became aware of everything about that man. The feel of bones in his delicate hand, the heat that his body was emitting, the pace of his breathing. Remus suddenly felt like he had been missing something his whole life.

All to soon Severus yanked his hand away from the good natured man, and muttered

"Good Night Lupin."

"Yes. Goodnight. See you at breakfast Severus."

Still battling the feeling, that he needed to touch Severus again, trying to ignore the wolf within him, Remus left the room and made his way back to his own chambers.

This would not do! He could not afford to develop feelings for the other man! They were barely even on speaking terms! He would poison his potion! This was a complication that could have been done without!

Underneath all the elation he felt he was wondering, if the Slytherins hands, were always that fragile and why, he flinched at the word 'breakfast'.

A/N Reading back over it , I think I made the characters very OOC , but it can not be helped but I am very sorry for it. Hopefully now that the groundwork is set, I can make them more realistic. There will hopefully be more romance in the next chapter, as well as background.

Please bear with me, while the groundwork is being set.

Thank you for all your Reviews! remember, more reviews quicker typing! Thanks once again for your wounderful reviews!

Review

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	3. Nirvana

Disclaimer : I own nothing and am making no money.

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Severus stalked up to the Great Hall quickly and with a determined look on his face. He had to get there early. He HAD too…

Reaching the entrance to the huge hall, Severus breathed a discrete sigh of relief, upon seeing only Flitwick and Pomphry on the Professors table. Thank God it was not Lupin or Dumbledor.

Gliding up the aisle, Severus kept his eyes focused on his destination, and ignored the broken conversations the few students present were having. It was 10 minutes before the feast officially started and the hot food was served, but toast and drinks were already served. Severus had been coming to breakfast early for many years now…

Upon reaching his seat, Severus quickly sat down and poured himself a drink of water, slyly casting his eyes down the long row, watching the other two teachers exchange pleasantries. Casting his eyes back to his plate, his eyes focused of the toast rack, standing next to his water glass. With grace that spoke of years of practise, Severus reached for the glass with one hand, and while his robes hung from his arms blocking the view, and with his other hand grabbed some toast crumbs from the bottom of the toast rack, and sprinkled them around his plate.

A handy trick that would never work if someone sat close to him…

Feeling relief at having avoided more judgemental looks from Albus , Severus relaxed in his chair, and waited for the other teachers to arrive. Albus had made it compulsory for all teachers to stay at least half hour for every meal, in case any news had to be announced. Annoying git.

Sipping his water slowly, he watched the pupils slowly trickle into the hall.

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Spreading more butter over his toast, Remus bit into the slice with a smile and a moan. Food glorious food!

Putting the toast down in order to grab a glass of orange juice, Remus looked over to his right, and to his silent peer. Severus looked his usual broodingly beautiful self, his body tense and his face intense.

"Are you not eating Severus? There is nothing here that could tempt you besides the toast?" the werewolf asked, looking down at the empty plate and the crumbs that covered it.

"I have already had breakfast Lupin. Unlike some, I know when to say ' I've had enough'", Snape drawled, looking with some disgust to the butter laden toast.

Lupin frowned and looked up and down Severus's long form, taking in the thinness of the wrist and the prominence of the cheekbones. Even though he found the dark haired man attractive, he knew he was a little too thin for his frame…

"If you don't start eating a bit more, you are going to waste away! It never hurt anyone to put on a few pounds…"

"I'll thank you to stay the hell out of my eating habits Lupin!" Severus snarled violently snapping his head and staring intently at Lupins eyes.

Remus got the hint and looked away passively, filing away the information away for later analysis. The potions master was probably being his normal reclusive and introvert self. Noticing the Slytherin was about to stand and leave, and realising that it must be past the half hour mark, he placed a hand on the other wrist, stopping him from leaving.

"Severus, I am hoping to start up a duelling club. I was told that you helped Lockhart set one up, and I thought I would ask you to help facilitate it. Do you think you can help me out?" Lupin asked, releasing the potions masters wrist. He looked into the potions masters face, maintaining eye contact. He could not read anything in the Slytherins gaze. He was about to speak again when ;

"I will come to your office at 6 o-clock to discuss things Lupin. I best make sure you are more competent that the ignoramus Lockhart. See you then," and the that the dark haired man swept from the hall.

Remus did not know why he felt like smiling like a fool.

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Remus had just finished his last bit of marking when the dark figure of the surly potions master loomed up before his desk.

"Severus, right on time! I would really like to thank you for agreeing to do this with me-"

"Lupin, I am a busy man. If we can please just get on with this," Snape replied, indicating his amazing annoyance at the werewolf's oozing gratitude. He had no idea why he had agreed to this in the first place…

"Certainly Severus. I forget how busy you are. If you prefer we could talk here, although my quarters are much more informal and comfortable. No harm with a bit of relaxation," Remus offered, ignoring the scowl on the potions masters face. He knew Severus' bark was worst then his bite. Anyway, the way the sinking sun was illuminating his pale skin, making it golden , caused the werewolf to make many soppy angel comparisons in his mind.

"I don't really care , its all the same to me and wipe that godforsaken look off your face. You look drunk!" Severus snapped, feeling uncomfortable with the look Lupin was giving him. No one had ever looked at him like that…it un-nerved him.

Nodding his head, and making an effort to look sombre, Lupin gestured towards the door at the back of his office that would lead to his private rooms.

Lupins rooms were quite simple in its decoration, but warm and cosy. The far wall was a row of bookcases, and some comfy chairs were surrounding a low coffee table in front of the fire. Further off was some kitchen chairs and a table, in a simple kitchen area. The whole place was bright and airy, and Severus immediately felt grateful that they were going to talk in here, instead of the cold, impersonal classroom.

"Please take a seat Severus, can I offer you a drink? Wine, brandy, scotch…?"

"A scotch will be just fine Lupin," Severus answered, taking a seat closest to the fire. He seemed to feel the cold more then normally lately.

Nodding, Remus turned into his kitchen and opened one of the cupboards, and without looking reached in to grab two tumblers. Suddenly, Remus felt an intense wire of pain shoot through his hand, and he yanked his hand close to his body.

"Sugar!" Remus hissed, examining the sliced wound in his hand. Glancing back into the cupboard, he saw a cracked cup gleaming with a thin film of his blood, almost mocking him. Now he looked like a fool in front of the strongest man he knew…

He was more then shocked to feel long thin chilly fingers grab his wrist, and pull him towards the sink. Without saying a word, he turned on the tap, and began to wash the wound, examining it as it was cleaned, muttering under his breath about 'clumsy Griffindors'.

Remus felt that fluttery feeling again. Severus was looking after him, tending to his wounds. For anyone else, the act would have been a common courtesy, but for Severus Snape… Remus's head felt fluffy, like someone had filled it with cotton, and logic seemed to have gone for a long drive. All Remus was aware of was his instincts, his needs. Things that he had fought ever since he became a werewolf, suddenly appeared to have taken over his mind, and without even thinking about what he was doing, Remus raised his other hand to Severus's cheek.

He felt the slender man tense up under his touch, and his face turn towards him rapidly. Remus allowed his hand to caress Severus's cheek, moving down to cup his jaw, before lowering his head and catching the thin lips with his own.

Nirvana.

Remus was never a believer in having one perfect mate out their; someone who would complete him and connect to him. Someone he could never let go. But after the first contact, that first touch, Remus knew he would never feel like this for anyone else. Knew Severus was the one for him

Who would have thought it?

Bringing both his hands to the Slytherins waist, Remus pulled the stoic man close, and swept his tongue over the others bottom lip, causing a gasp and the mouth to open under his questing tongue. Severus tasted like salt and something so sweet it lacked definition. Remus continued his exploration of that exquisite mouth as long as he could, before the need for air drove his to release the lips of the other. Feeling dazed, Remus kept the other man close, and became aware for the first time that Severus had wrapped his arms around his neck, one hand tangled in his hair, one clutching the back of his shirt.

Feeling those trembling hands on his body, and knowing it was his fault they were trembling, lit the fire in Remus's blood again , and he lowered his mouth again, drawing that swollen bottom lip into this mouth and nibbling, teasing. He heard a slight gasp and felt the hands at his back claw him closer, seemingly starved for the touch. Remus pushed the slender man against the countertop grinding his hips into the other mans, and dragging his hands up to rip open the buttons on the other mans outer coat.

Suddenly, Remus felt empty and detached.

Dragging himself out of his lust hazed mind, he became aware that Severus was on the other side of the room, trying to button his coat, fingers still trembling. He became aware of the fact that Severus was talking, but he was so focused on the bruised moist lips, that he only caught a few words that the pale man was saying;

" Mistake…Some stupid trick…Never have happened….your fun….im such a fool…really done it this time Lupin…pathetic werewolf…stay away from me…"

It was that last comment that caused Remus fear. After experiencing that, how could he stay away? Couldn't Severus feel how perfect it was? Before Remus could speak, the potions master stalked past him and out the door. Still feeling hazy , Remus did the only think he could; took a cold shower…

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Outside the DADA rooms, Severus sank against the wall, aware of how close he had been to being found out. He was also aware that if it ever happened again, he would not be able to pull away, werewolf or not.…God damn repressed sexual urges!

Or maybe there was something in the 'perfect match' myth after all.

Taking a deep breath, Severus began to make his way down to his dungeons, licking his lips, and still tasting the werewolf's lips, and for once, liking the flavour….

A/N

I am so overwhelmed by the amount of wonderful reviews I have received! I love you all so much! I hope the character were less OOC this chapter, and I look forward to more fan-dabby-doozy reviews!

Thanks you so much! Once again, I hope I did not offend anyone with my handling of this subject. But I am trying to keep a balance between the anorexia and the romance and the werewolf urges/repressed sexuality bit…More slash in next chapter!

Review and keep me in my happy frame of mind!

Review!


	4. Perfect Match Myth

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money  
Warnings: Slash and anorexia nervosa.

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The "Perfect Match Myth", refers to a belief in the wizarding world that for each individual, there is a someone who is quite literally perfect for them. This is said to be an evolutionary instinct, as a 'Perfect match' pairs, have throughout history produced the strongest wizards and witches, due to a perfect combination of magic. Some noted 'perfect match' children are said to be Merlin, Griffindor, Slytherin, and more recently Harry Potter.

However, in the last 100 years, people have leaned away from leaving their love lives in fates hands, and have married lovers and simply hoped for the best, and many times, it does work out.

This does not only apply to wizards and witches, as many dark creatures still rely on this match to pick and choose a mate, as many creatures will only have one chance of love (werewolves, vampires, Veela and so on), and therefore need to rely on their instincts to pick the right person.

There are many known ways of identifying when a person has meet their perfect match. For wizards and witches, there will be an attraction, and a inability to completely rebuff their matches sexual advances. There will be tingling sensations, thoughts of the matched one, a desire to be around them etc. It is much the same for dark creatures, except their sexual urges and instincts will be stronger, and much harder to deny. It has been said that they will never rape their matched, but will use strong sexual advances in an attempt to hurry acceptance and a relationship. The most noted species for this are Veelas and werewolves.

To many, the symptoms described above may apply to any and everyone relationship they have had. There is one thing however, which identifies your perfect match which emerges after your first kiss: _You Just Know…_

Of course, people don't have to accept and carry on a relationship with their matched….

Dr J Amour 1973, "Love for the Magical" taught at Hogwarts until 1992...

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Severus Snape was sitting at his potions worktop, mindlessly stirring a fresh batch of dreamless sleep potion, staring into space. This was extremely odd for the man, who normally never even took his eyes off whatever concoction he was making. But lately, he found himself unable to concentrate on anything. His mind seemed to be slipping back to the same topic…

'Remus…'

The anger that the honey haired man evoked with his kiss had faded to pure confusion and a strange need to confront the man and settle matters between them. He knew that it was not really a prank. Remus didn't have it in himself to do something that cruel, and since Black was not here, there would have been very little point. Leaving the options that Remus had had a brush with temporary insanity, or generally felt something for the dark haired man.

Severus had very little in way of sexual experience. An ugly child and teen and a death eaters through his mid twenties, had left very little opportunity to sample the delights of the flesh. And when he became a spy and moved back to Hogwarts, tucking into the delicious food in the great hall, he had suddenly realised how repulsively fat he was, and from then on refused to even consider a sexual relationship with anyone. Sex meant being naked after all….

But for some reason, being with Remus yesterday, brought back all the sexual curiosity of his teens as well as the frustration. And a single thought that ran throughout his head creating more questions and more reactions :

'Don't I repulse him?'

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In another part of the castle, in much brighter rooms, sat the resident werewolf spacing out in much a similar way to the potions master. Remus was sitting at his desk, with a pile of unmarked essays in front of him and a quill in his hand. However, Remus had been sitting their in for 2 hours now, and had marked and grand total of none. There was not even any ink on the quill yet. Instead Remus had quite happily allowed his mind to focus on what was quickly becoming an obsession in his life : Severus Snape.

Remus kept replying over and over in his mind, the kiss. He kept recalling how soft Severus's lips were, how warm the man had felt, how he tasted. How fragile he has appeared to be in his arms. And Remus had to keep beating down the urge to storm the dungeons, sweep Severus up in his arms, and confine them both to the bed indefinitely. As much as the sweet, almost chaste kiss meant to him, it only made this beautiful ach for the potions master worse.

Remus vaguely hoped that the Slytherin realised that it was no prank. He still did not know why he did it, but he knew he did not regret it. The slight, crush like feelings he had for Severus yesterday, seemed to have bloomed into full blown adoration, desire, desperation and love for the dark haired man. Remus suddenly did not want to think of his life with out him.

Snapping out of his daze, Remus gave a sigh and began to mark the first of many essays. Within 5 minutes, he was daydreaming again, and writing "Remus for Severus" in a giant heart, all over Crabbes paper…

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Remus sat bolt upright in bed when he heard the catch in his bedroom door lift, and held his breath when Severus Snape crept arrogantly into his room, stepping close to the bed, and the man laying in it. Neither spoke, but Severus slowly undid the ties on his robe, and drop it to the floor in a slither of shadow, leaving Severus nude.

With a growl Remus usually reserved for when he was in wolf form, he pulled the pale man onto the bed, rolling them over so that Remus lay perched on Severus slender hips. The inky hair spilled onto the white pillow, the pale skin glowed , dark eyes glittered. With another growl, Remus lowered himself to the slender throat kissing and nibbling his way down to the collar bone, which received a harder bite, marking the skin and causing Severus to arch his back and gasp, tangling those beautiful hands in his hair. Releasing his throat, Remus travelled his way down the slender torso, raising moans and whimpers when he teased the nipples into pebbles while Severus allowed his hands to roam the Gryffindors back. At the instant hands cue, he continued his descent down Severus's stomach licking and kissing at the soft skin, basking in the moans mewls and growls of the other man. Deciding to tease, Remus abandoned his task and raised his lips to Severus's, intending to claim his second kiss-

It was at that point that Remus fell out of bed and woke up. Sitting in a tangle of sheets on the floor, he gasped at the memory of the dream, and made a mental vow to talk to Severus tomorrow. Giving a disappointed sigh, and a hopeful glance to his door, Remus climbed back into bed, and tried in vain to sleep.

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Never in his life had Severus felt so good. Remus's hands were caressing his body as if it were the finest glass, his lips roaming his neck, trailing fire directly from his neck to his groin. He gave a gasp when Remus bit harder, and tangled his hands in the others hair, not wanting to lose the sensation. He felt the soft lips curl up into a smile, and gentle hands begin to slip off his baggy robe and to tug at the buttons of his white work shirt.

Severus didn't care, as long as those lips remained on his neck licking, kissing touching…

"Oh God! Your disgusting!" Broke through the air like a arrow sending Severus's blood cold, and a lead weight to settle into stomach. Opening his eyes he looked directly into Remus's face, and saw the look of utter revulsion on the werewolves face. Looking down, he saw his shirt was half off, and understood the source of the disgust. His fat body.

Feeling too shocked with his own naïve stupidity, too move or speak, he could only watch as Remus pulled on his robe and walked towards the door. Before opening it, Remus turned back around, and still with an expression of pure revulsion said:

"Who could ever love a fat freak like you?" before opening the door-

Which is when Severus woke up sobbing.

Life was getting too much to handle…

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A/N sorry I have not updated in such a long time. Once again, I hope no one was offended by my depiction of Anorexia Nervosa.

Thank You to all my beautiful reviewers!

I hope the text book bit at the start , helped add reason for the characters actions and reactions.

Please please Review! Review review review!

REVIEW! More you review the more I write!

Thanks a lot !


	5. read AN The sickness emerges

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money.

Warnings : Anorexia and slash. Don't like don't read. Ok?

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Remus walked down to breakfast with a spring in his step to quote a cliché, greeting everyone he meet on his way. Upon his entrance to the Great Hall, a smile lit upon his features, as his eyes focused on the lone figure clad in black seated at the teachers table . Striding past the few students already eating breakfast, Remus all but bounded up to the table, smiling warmly at Severus before taking his place. Glancing about the delicious food laid out in front of him, he glanced over to Severus's plate, and once again noted only toast crumbs.

Knowing better by now, then to comment on the abnormally light breakfast Remus let his gaze wonder up the potion masters body to his pale face. His eyes had bags underneath them, testament to a restless night, his lips were tense and his whole face held both a tired and annoyed expression.

"Sleep alright last night?" Remus asked politely, keeping his eyes fixed on the other mans face. He noted that the other man almost flinched, seeming to withdraw into himself at the innocent question.

"Fine thank you Lupin." Came the terse reply.

Lupin waited a few seconds before realising that the customary ' and you?' was not going to come. Probably for the best. After that incredible dream, what could he possibly say to its real life star? Remus smiled to himself, and lowering his voice asked the potions master :

" After what happened in my rooms, don't you think we are beyond last name terms?".

"That mistake in your rooms does not effect our relationship at all. I still hate you, so never mention that …mistake again and stay away from me!" Severus murmured calmly thought his face betrayed the tenseness and anxiety the dark haired man felt. He stared straight ahead, not looking at the gentle other man once, so did not see the veil of disappointment, confusion and determination that flittered across the werewolf's face.

"We WILL talk later Severus," Remus kept his voice calm and quite, but the emphasis he placed in his words, held no account for an argument.

The potions master said nothing, merely raised and began to leave the great hall.

'Sod the bloody half hour rule,' Severus thought, his teeth quietly grinding against each other. He had just about made it to the threshold of the large room when he suddenly felt something akin to cotton ball begin to cram themselves inside his head. His fingertips felt cold and suddenly his body seemed not his own anymore, out of sync with his mind, as if he was not the one controlling it. An ach began to grow in his stomach, and within seconds it was in his very bones. Now the cotton balls had turned into hummingbirds, millions of tiny wings beating against his head. He felt his body begin to tremble, shudder and shake and Severus was aware of the ground coming closer and closer, before a cry of "Severus!" rang through his ears, his eyes, and his world went black…

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Remus stared at the gaunt figure on the bed. Against the pristine hospital sheets, and the pure white gown, Severus looked like a ghost, like he was one step away from leaving this world forever. Even his lips had developed a white/blue tinge to them. Without thinking, Remus grabbed a few more blankets from the empty beds, tucking them around the potions master, pausing fleetingly to rest his hand on the Slytherins chest; feeling it rise and fall.

They would not tell him anything. Well, why would they? He was not family, he was not even a close friend. It depressed him that he had no link to this mans life. He was lucky they let him stay with him for a while. He could hear their murmuring now, talking about the Slytherins life.

Remus let out a heartfelt sigh, staring adoringly and sadly at the prone figure in front of him. He wanted to do more! He felt an unmistakable urge to get into the bed with the other man, to wrap his arms around his and keep him warm, safe. To feel the pulse still thudding in his neck, his chest rising with each breath. Remus restrained himself however, and settled for holding one of the thin cold hands in his own.

Remus was not vindictive. He never wanted to see anyone hurt or in pain. But to see Severus, the most independent, strongest man he knew, laying there, helpless, it pulled at his heart. Despite the harsh words earlier, and the pain they had caused, Remus knew they weren't true; he didn't know how he knew, he just did.

Instincts were the only good thing about being a werewolf.

Why did this mean so much too him?

Remus resisted the urge to sigh again, and began to stroke the hand he held, in a futile attempt to warm it up.

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"Albus, I would not tell you this unless I thought it absolutely necessary, for the health and safety of my patient-" Poppy explained before being cut off.

"Poppy I am aware of patient confidentiality. Now please, tell me what's wrong." Albus pleaded.

Poppy gave a sigh, before beginning her report.

"To be blunt and too the point, keeping Severus's behaviour in mind, I think he is suffering from Anorexia Nervosa. The episode he had today was through sheer exhaustion and lack of energy. He is 85 below his ideal weight, and his muscles have begun to waste away-"

"Are you sure its Anorexia? Could it just be excessive stress?" Albus asked, desperate to be sure of the potion masters illness.

"Albus, it could be stress related. But no matter how he arrived at this point, Severus would be described as Anorexic by anyone," Poppy said, trying to with hold the unhappy sigh that was welling within her.

Albus said nothing, and moved to look out of Poppy's office to the bed that held the Slytherin. He took in the touching scene, the ghostly spy and the caring werewolf. So many years wasted for pride…

"How do you suppose we go about making our Severus well again?" Albus asked.

" There's not set process, no easy cure. Its all up to Severus. All I can suggest is to have someone look after him for a while. Make sure he eats. Build up his esteem, which will be pretty low after today. After he gets his weight up, well, we just have to hope he has the strength to keep it up. But this could easily take years Albus, he may never fully recover. Maybe, we should refer him to ST Mungo's, they could provide better then we could-"

"Poppy, no. Forcing Severus to leave Hogwarts will be the biggest mistake we can make. Removing him from his normality could only make things worse. No, we keep him here," Albus said firmly.

Poppy knew better then to try and change his mind, but still asked,

"How are we going to keep an eye on him ? I don't think he would appreciate being forced to stay in the hospital."

Albus was quite for a while, and simple stared at the joining of Remus's and Severus's hands.

"We could ask Remus to look after him. Oh don't look at me like that Poppy, Remus is the most patient and discrete man I know, the perfect person to look after Severus. If we move them into the same quarters the thing will be made easier. Remus can keep an eye on what Severus eats, Severus can go about his daily life with no interference, or anyone else knowing of his illness and Remus can go about his. I don't think Severus will need constant supervision, just someone to make sure he does eat." Albus said.

"But what if Severus does not get better! What if Remus can not make him eat?" Poppy asked anguish in her voice.

"Whose to say a patronising nurse at st Mungo's will make him eat? Poppy, please trust me. If Severus if going to get better, then we need to keep him here. We need to keep an eye on him. Remus is the one person least likely to give up on him. We will help obviously, but if we helped too much, he would probably feel out of control and inferior. With Remus he has an equal. Plus, if Severus dislikes Remus as much as he claims he does, then we will make himself better if only to be rid of his presence. I will of course, make sure this type of action is acceptable by Severus, and will explain the situation to Remus myself but please Poppy. Trust me." Albus responded.

Poppy made one final plea.

"What if Remus does not wish to have this responsibility? What if Severus will not accept Remus being there?"

Albus smiled, and looked out towards the bed again.

"Trust me."

A/N Please Read

This chapter seems a little thrown but can you see where my mind is going with this? wink . Once again, sorry if my portrayal of Anorexia Nervosa offended someone.

Also, I have a few oneshot fics out, would anyone mind reading and reviewing them?

I Need a Beta since the most criticisms I have is on my grammer. Also, I would like someone to make sure nothing I write seems offensive and ooc. If anyone is interested would they please leave an address in the review?

Thanks. Much appreciated.

Review!

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More Reviews I get the faster I write!


	6. It beginsPLEASE READ AN

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money

Warning: Slash and anorexia nervosa

I NEED A BETE! PLEASE READ NOTE AT BOTTOM

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When Severus awoke, he was aware of another presence. He was also aware that his hand was being held by someone. Someone warm, with soft skin and a firm grip. Severus slowly turned his head around, trying to catch sight of who was touching him.

Lupin.

The werewolf was sitting in a chair close to the…bed? However, said werewolf was slumped in the chair, snoring softly. His face was crinkled as if worried, and his mouth held a frown. Severus tried to sit up, struggling against the weight of what seemed to be a dozen blankets and slowly detached himself from Lupin's grip. However, it seemed that the wolf was a light sleeper.

With a small grunt and a twitch the DADA teacher awoke looking bleary at the man in the bed. There was silence for what seemed like a decade, before the werewolf seemed to gather enough wits to respond.

"Severus! Your ok! Thank god ! I was so worried, no one would say anything, we did not know what was wrong with you-" Lupin stuttered, before launching himself at the potions master, taking the thin man in his arms and hugging. Severus held himself stiff and unresponsive, refusing to find comfort in the warm clean scent of the other man or the warm feel of his skin against his cheek.

"Lupin, let go. And tell me what I am doing here, the last thing I remember…" Severus began before trailing off as the memory began to creep back.

"I….I …. I better go bet Albus. Wait here, don't you dare try to leave that bed," Remus ordered, before taking off to alert Poppy and Albus.

Severus gave a sigh, before dropping back to the bed, absentmindedly rubbing the hand Lupin had held.

'I hate mornings…' Severus thought pouting at the odd situation he found himself in.

Shortly after Remus left, the headmaster turned up, a sorrowful smile on his face.

"Hello Severus. How are you feeling my boy?" the headmaster asked, his voice oddly gravely.

"I feel fine headmaster. Now if you or Poppy could kindly tell me what happened yesterday and allow to me to get back to my quarters -" Severus began, trying to leave his bed, before Albus stopped him with a look.

"Severus, please. You must listen to me. Kindly get back into bed. Thank you. Poppy has written up your medical notes for you. I think you would take to reading them better then my telling you," Albus said, handing Severus a bundle of papers. With a concerned look on his face, Severus began to scan through his notes, eyes gradually widening in disbelief.

"Wh-What! This is absurd! This is- You can't believe this drivel! I mean my god Albus, do I really seem the type to be Anorexic! This is slander, this is a lie, this is, this is -" Severus faded off, the disbelief still apparent in his voice.

"This is the diagnosis Severus," Albus gently informed him.

"Well its bull!" exclaimed Severus throwing the papers down. "I am not anorexic! I mean I know I have lost a bit of weight recently, but nothing that could possibly harm me!"

"So you know that you have lost weight recently. Why were you trying?" Albus asked, his voice neutral.

"Oh for Christ's sake Albus! I thought I had gained weight and thought I would try to lose it. But everything was in control! I was in control! There is not a problem with my weight, Poppy just doesn't realise that this weight is normal for me and my frame. Now, if I could return to my quarters, I will be out of your way," Severus stated, looking defiantly at Albus.

"You were in control. So, if you did not have a problem with food, you would be able to eat normally? Gain the weight you lost?" Albus asked, challenging the potion masters testimony.

"Of course I could. Unlike some, more gifted people, my metabolism is very slow. It why I need to watch what I eat anyway," the Slytherin said.

"Then prove Poppy wrong. Gain the weight you lost," Albus said cheerfully.

There was a stony silence. The headmaster became aware, that the potions master had begun to breath faster.

"Albus…That makes all the work I have done up too now useless," Severus said, through gritted teeth.

"Severus, if you would read the notes over again you would realise that one of the symptoms anorexics have is a fear and anxiety about gaining weight-"

"I DO NOT HAVE A SYMPTOM! I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM! JUST, Just, Stay out of it Albus! You don't understand, you'v already made up your mind! Poor Severus, oh dear he seems to be a little thinner, he must have lost his marbles! I'm surprise that you have not already shipped me off to St Mungo's!" Severus all but screamed, his hands twisting in the blankets.

"No, we could never send you there. You belong here. Just- please understand that you have a problem-"

"I don't have a problem," Severus cut in bitterly.

"And that you need help! The incident yesterday was your body shutting down. If you carry on like this you wont last another year! Please listen to what solution I have. This is a chance to prove us wrong Severus, to show us you don't have a problem, that you are in control," Albus pleaded. When Severus said nothing, merely stared straight ahead the headmaster continued.

" You need to eat. Your body is shutting down and it needs food. Now, Poppy has drawn up a chart of how much a man your size, height and age should weigh and how much you will have to eat every day to function and slowly get back up to that weight. All you have to do to prove us wrong is gain the weight. However, Poppy thinks it would be wise too have someone make sure you eat. Don't look at me like that Severus, every day you eat at the table with us, and yet no one noticed. With that I am disgusted in myself, as well as my staff. Anyway, the best we can do now, is have someone make sure you eat. This way you can continue as normal. Nothing will change Severus," Albus stated gently the guilt washing through his voice.

Severus did not look at the potions master for a few minutes. Instead he imagined what it would be like to have to eat. To be forced to put slimy, greasy food in his mouth, too have to bite into its explosive taste to move his jaw up and down, before swallowing, his throat contracting around the ball of fat, forcing it into his body, leaving a residue in his mouth, down his throat, under his skin…

"And what if I refuse?" Severus asked, his voice still tight and strained from his disgust of the imaginary food.

Albus's look said it all.

"I see. Who do you have in mind to take the place of my guard? Poppy?" Severus asked, his deep voice sounding empty and hollow.

"No, not Poppy. And we want someone you could think of as an equal, not a keeper. We thought that, due to his caring personality Remus Lupin would fit the bill. You could both carry on as normal and hopefully he could make the recovering process easier…" Albus trailed off.

"You really hate me don't you?" Severus asked, his voice calm and sinisterly sweet. " Its not enough that you make up illnesses, that you try and gain even more control over my life, over my very appearance, that you feel the need to wave your precious golden boy in my face. Does it give a sadistic pleasure Albus to know that the person I hate most next to Black and Potter, is my keeper? Is making me miserable? Did Lupin ask for this specially, or are you making this his early Christmas present?"

"I have not consulted Remus yet Severus. Its up to you. Severus please understand that I am doing this because I care for you, I want too see you better. I don't want to hurt you. If you would prefer to have someone other then Remus be asked to help I am more then happy to arrange it…" The head master offered, his heart breaking at the others harsh words. Tough Love can be so hard

"Oh yes, since everyone else is so concerned about me," Severus sarcastically replied, mind drifting back to waking up hand in hand with Remus… "Lupin will have to suffice. Oh what a lucky prisoner I am, to be given a choice in guard," he finished, laying back against the pillows and closing his eyes. This entire morning had left him feeling exhausted…

"Thank you Severus," Albus said, leaving the other man to sleep.

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Remus stared at the sleeping man. It seemed so obvious now. The gaunt face, prominent cheekbones and general thinness. The fact that no one actually saw him eat properly, that he was always cold, that his hands always shook…

Anorexia Nervosa.

Why? When? How?

A million questions ran through his head, a million scenarios playing it out in his minds eye.

He could feel the wolf within whimpering…

Why did this feel so personal? Why did the fact that Severus was so ill make him physically ach. Make him so upset…

"Remus, a subject we use to teach here was about the emotion love, and how it effects us. One thing was the Perfect Match Hypothesis. You may wish too look it up…Just for interest. It may help…" Albus whispered from the door way.

Remus just nodded blindly, not even looking back.

Was this his fault? Had it been because of him and his friends? Did they make it worse? Did they ruin this ambitious, proud, and talented man?

Why would Severus do this too himself! Did he not see how life threatening it was? How self destructive it was?

Remus felt torn, between waking the man and ramming food down his throat in a bid to make him gain weight, or hold him in his arms, to tell him how beautiful he was and protect him from the hell he would soon be experiencing; the feelings of self loathing and physical and psychological pain.

Remus knew one thing though. He would help him get better, no matter how much it would hurt the other man. He would act as normal, give no indication of his concern and his worry. After all, the last thing Severus wanted or needed was what he would perceive as pity. He act totally normal; his regular cheery self. And harden his heart when meal times came…

Remus sighed, and stood; it was getting late and visiting hours were over long ago. Looking over at the other man one last time Remus felt an urge. Walking close to the bed, he leaned down slowly, and placed an small kiss, on Severus's cheek, before murmuring 'Goodnight', and turning to leave.

He never even saw the small content smile that appeared on Severus's lips.

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When Severus walked into his newly modified quarters, he could almost hear the sliding of a metal bolt, and the shadows of bars on the wall. He looked to the left side of his living room and saw a new boor that would, he assumed, lead into Lupins bedroom and office. Sweeping a glance around the room, he also noted that everything seemed to have been expanded, and enlarged for two.

So much for 'nothing will change', Severus thought bitterly.

Giving an annoyed sigh he, stalked across the room to his own bedroom, walk in and slammed the door. It was an adolescent gesture, but it helped. Stripping off his heavy outer robe, leaving him in white work shirt and trousers, he toed off his shoes and curled up on his large bed.

Off late, his bed seemed to be more lumpy then usual, and Severus found it hard to get comfortable.; the mattress digging into his bones. Even now, he was twitching, changing position every other second trying to find some comfort. Finally finding a position that seemed to giving his aching body some relief, Severus pulled out a book and began to read, in a bid to relax and take his mind off his new imprisonment.

He had decided that he would do what he had been trying to do since he was 12 years old…ignore Lupin.

Easier said then done.

He could almost sense the shift in the air when Lupin walked in. He could hear humming in the o ther room, the brisk energetic steps of a neurotically happy person and when the clear voice rang out 'Severus!' he sneered at its cheerfulness.

He was so bloody fake.

Much like the way a cat ignores a 5 year old, Severus ignored the loud knocking and went back to his book. However he had overlooked to lock the door when he slammed it.

"Severus are you in- oh sorry, I did not know you were asleep, sorry if I woke you…" Lupin trailed off taking in the sight of Severus sprawled in bed, tangled in bed sheets.

"Lupin, if you would stop blabbing for a second you would notice I was reading not sleeping," Severus drawled, not bothering to get up.

"Oh? Then why didn't you answer me?" Remus asked, leaning against the door frame, arms folded.

"I didn't see why I should and nor did I want too. Quite simple really. Now kindly remove yourself from my rooms," Severus replied, looking back at his book.

Lupin said nothing just smiled and walked into the room, sitting next to Severus on the bed, and plucking the book from his fingers.

"I have a message from Poppy. She needs a fresh batch of painkiller potion; her last batch got used up when Harry fell off his broom again," he informed the potions master, keeping his voice light and happy.

Severus snorted. Detangling himself from his bed, he made his way to his laboratory, muttering a 'Don't disturb me' to the man still sitting on his bed.

Remus said nothing. He did not move. With out his outer robe, or a baggy sweater, Severus was a painful sight to the werewolf. White work shirt that literally hung off the man, laying gently over the prominent bones of his chest and back. And plain black trousers that barely managed to cling to his waist and concave stomach, but only due to the belt that Remus could see was on the tightest loop.

How could anyone have missed this! It made Remus ach, not with emotions but with a sense of physical pain at the life threatening state the other man was in. Spotting the black outer robe laying over a chair he picked it up, intending to put it away, when he noticed that the shoulders were padded out, making the robe itself bulky and shape changing. Another little piece clicked into place. Remus placed it back on the chair, trying to swallow around the lump that had appeared in his throat; was Severus that desperate to avoid help and confrontation?

Walking slowly out of the room, he closed the door quietly, he called a house elf and asked him to prepare some dinner and bring it to the small dining room.

His biggest battle was yet too come.

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Severus walked out of his laboratory, the painkiller potion already winging its way to Poppy aka jailor number 2. Upon walking into his dining room, he felt a sudden stone of dread setting itself in his gut. The rooms were filled with the smell of tomatoes and Severus felt the nausea that he always got upon entering the Great Hall.

His blood suddenly like ice; cold shivers working their way through his body.

Lupin was already sat down. And on the table sat two hot bowls of soup, looking eerily like blood in the artificial light of the dungeons.

He must have made a sound as Lupin stopped eating and looked towards the door. Upon seeing Severus, he nodded to the other chair, and went back to eating, not making eye contact with Severus.

Severus could hear the funeral march. Each step he took echoed around the room, and the chair seemed to scream in protest in Severus sat down. The soup looked even more sinister close up, and the feeling of dread and nausea was almost choking him, consuming him. The ice in his veins was turning into chunks dragging through his veins and splitting into the nerves of his skin making his pores pierce with pain. He tried to take a deep breath, to calm down. His head felt heavy and his hand began to shake, as the blood in the bowl began to swirl and laugh.

Lupin could sense something was wrong. He snapped his head up looking at the Slytherin for the first time since he had indicated he should sit down.

His heart almost broke. The potions master was white. Not pale; white. He was breathing hard and heavy , obviously in a panic, his eyes wide, frantic and scared. He could see the delicate hands trembling, and a cold sweat start to break out on Severus's forehead.

"Severus?" Remus asked, worried and a little scared for the potions master. When his call had no effect he tried louder; nothing. Quickly rising from his chair Lupin rushed to Severus's side, trying to snap the potions master out of whatever panic he was in. The second that Lupin's hand touched Severus, his skin clammy through his shirt, the Slytherin snapped back, jerking away from Lupins touch and fled the room, leaving Remus alone and stunned.

Severus however was in a state of very deep panic.

Still shaking he fled to his room, disgusted at the obvious weakness he had exposed to Lupin. Still, Lupin would probably bound in here now, and drag him back to that bowl of fat. Severus sat on his bed and waited…and waited…and waited.

Slowly it became apparent that Remus was not going to force him to poison his body tonight.

Feeling much calmer, Severus drew on his instincts and assessed the situation.

Seems he forgot what a bleeding heart Remus was. Now what where the ways in which he could draw on that pity, on that supposed caring nature.

An idea suddenly occurred to him.

Slytherin that he was, he was going to make good use of current developments…

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It was late when Remus dared enter the snakes dwelling. Knocking and entering, he timidly entered the room, afraid of what he would find. It was shocking bland. Severus lay, still dressed, on his back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Echoing earlier events, Remus entered the room, and sat on the bed, looking down in concern at the dark haired man.

"Are you ok?" he asked, his voice a whisper.

"Yes, fine. It was just a shock. It been a rough 24 hours…" Severus replied, his voice soft, and Lupin felt sorry that he had no even considered that.

"It probably was a bit too much to start off with any way. Just have to keep trying…It may also help if you talk…to me… about why," Remus chanced, his voice ending on a plea.

"Its complicated Remus," Severus said. Hearing his name, his first name, on those lips warmed the werewolves blood. He decided to lay all his cards on the table.

"I just want you to get better. I still can't believe that you of all people would be…" he trailed off, not wanting to mention the "A" word.

Severus said nothing, but tilted his head towards Remus.

"Everybody does and everybody can't, or so Albus tells me. I take it I can trust on your digression on this matter?" Severus asked, knowing full well the answer.

"Of course!" Lupin exclaimed, placing his hand over Severus's, as if to give his words a physical meaning. It took a few minutes before he realised that Severus had not pulled away.

"Thank you Remus," Severus whispered his words cutting through the werewolves thoughts. Remus felt his heart skip a beat at the gratitude in those words. His heart skipped again when Severus gripped his hand back, long delicate fingers softly caressing his skin at the wrist.

"I had horrible visions you know. I thought you, Albus and Poppy would be ramming food down my throat, forcing me…Th…than…thank you…Remus…for the time I mean…." Severus said, clearly demonstrating that expressing gratitude was not something he was use too. Before Remus could reply he felt the grip on his hand tighten as Severus raised himself up. He also felt his heart constrict when Severus leaned in and softly, gently, chastely kissed him on the cheek., before swinging his legs off the bed his back to Lupin.

"Good Night Remus" he said clearly indicating his desire to retire for the night.

"Good night…" Lupin replied, shocked by the potion masters actions, he left the room.

Hearing the door close, Severus smiled, relief evident on his face. He could get through this. Lupin could never cause anyone pain, least of all people he loves or who love him. As long as he could distract him, give him reason to trust him…his life could be his own! And a few kisses and blowjobs would be a small price…

Feeling happy and confident at his new chance to control his life, Severus got changed and went to bed, trying vainly to find a position that did not hurt his bones…

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Lupin however was still pacing his rooms, mind in a turmoil over what had happened tonight.

Why had Severus suddenly gone so placid, so agreeable. Remus enjoyed Severus's company, but knew he was far from agreeable! And that kiss…

Remus remembered what he had said to Severus just before he fainted; that they would talk about their…changing relationship. Was this Severus's way of admitting he wanted more? That he cared for Remus? Or was it out of duty? Of desperation?

Was it healthy? Too encourage and want a relationship at such a delicate time?

And he still had to get Severus to eat…

Remembering the expression of fear and panic on the dark haired mans face, Remus was beginning to question weather he could put the Slytherin through that again…

Remus made a promise to go to the library and learn as much about this illness as he could.

Seeing how late it was, Remus went too bed, falling into a fitful sleep.

A/N

STILL NEED A BETA! And someone too talk though the elegance of my ideas for this story since I do not wish to offend , and want to make sure ot does not become too far fetched or focused on one issue. For some reason I can not view full address in profiles so please send an email to

Akutenshi2001 at yahoo. Com

Obviously the "at" is . the swirly "a" that will not appear on this dammned siteand there is no space between the yahoo. and the com

Please review! and please help!

This was an long chapter for me and it dealt with a lot of things and plots and I would really like to know how its come out…

Review!

Review!

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	7. Hate

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money.

"Anorexics are by nature, perfectionists. They are people with a history of trying to be "best". They have behaviour patterns where they try to be the fastest, the smartest, the most respected - the thinnest. They also generally see things in black and white - Good or bad, Pass or failure , loved or unloved. This thought pattern places emphasis on one extreme quality and the perfectionist trait causes them to strive for it. In terms of weight and physical appearance, this means that they see thin as good, and therefore the thinner the better.

A factor that has confused many for centuries, is an anorexics apparent obsession with food. A behaviour trait is the compulsion to be around food as much as possible. They make no effort to avoid food, and in one case study a young anorexic girl would wonder a shop all day picking up various foods, and putting them back. One theory for this is that they get pleasure from denying themselves the food they are in the presence off. It gives them confidence, a feeling of achievement and control, to deny what they crave. In much the same way an alcoholic will know they have conquered their addiction to alcohol, when they can deny themselves a drink, so anorexics think they have conquered their control of food.

Anorexic individuals are starving. There bodies crave food, and go through the same process as if there was a famine despite the fact that they deny themselves.

The causes of this abnormality are unknown, but many accepted theories are that it is a learnt behaviour, is a demonstration of desire for control, and that it has strong connections to a persons physical appearance and the social opinion on beauty and acceptance…"

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Remus was exhausted. After a restless night, he had to teach his lessons, on top of going to the libery to research, and now he had returned to his new quarters to find nothing but empty rooms. Heaving a heavy sigh, Remus put away his 6th year essays, and hide the parchment with his research on it in-between page 132 and 133 of "DADA Advance" in his office.

Satisfied, that the information would be safe from Severus discovering it, Remus walked into the kitchen, intending to make dinner. Hopfully it will be better then yesterdays.

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Severus grumbled to himself all the way down to the dungeons. There was no particular reason for it, but by now it had become a habit, and a hard one to break. Muttering the password, he entered his private quarters quietly becoming quickly predatory, casting his gaze around for the intruder, as Lupin had become dubbed.

Seeing the living room empty, and a clear line of exit right into his bedroom, Severus could only conclude Lupin was in the kitchen, bathroom, or his own room. Either way, Severus had no intention of seeing Lupin if he could possible avoid it, and he quickly dashed into his bedroom, closing his door a bit louder then he intended too.

Heaving a sigh of relief, he took off his heavy outer robe and waist coat, rolling his shoulders to try and relive the ach that had settled in his bones. He had only just taken off his boots, when a firm knock rang through his door, and Lupin poked his head around the door. Severus all but bristled at the unwelcome intruders appearance, but he hid it well, knowing he needed to keep Lupin sweet.

"Is there anything you want?" Severus asked, placing his boots under his bed.

Remus said nothing, but walked into the room. This was the first time Snape noticed he was carrying a plate and a glass. The plate held a single slice of toast, and the glass an inch or two of what appeared to be water.

"Maybe, we should try this a little slower," was all Lupin said, as he placed the items on the bedside cabinet.

Severus said nothing, merely stared at the repulsive items with a look of pure hate.

"There is only a tiny bit of low fat butter on the toast, and the drink is some sugar free lemonade. Nothing as drastic as soup. Please Severus, this is not even going to make a dent on your weight, but at least it's a start. You need the energy…"Remus trailed off. He was once again assaulted by the realisation that he has no idea what he was doing. He also felt guilt; that toast had the fattest butter on the market, and the drink was practically pure sugar, specially made by Poppy, and the lies he told Severus were bitter in his mouth. But if it was the only way…

Severus was still staring at the food with a look that was a mix of hate and fear.

"I'm not hungry," came a small answer.

"One bite and the whole drink then. Please, just try," Remus pleaded. "This will be the first thing you have eaten in days, maybe weeks. Just one bite, one mouthful. That's all I ask for today."

Remus by this point had sat next to the Potions master, and Severus became acutely aware of the heat the other man emitted.

Swallowing his pride, his fear and weight being more important, Severus slowly turn and leaned into the werewolf, nuzzling into his neck and whispering against his skin :

"I can't. I'm not hungry. I'm fine! Honest. I don't see why you and Dumbledore think this is such a big deal. I can look after myself," Severus whispered, wrapping a cold hand around the werewolf's elbow slowly caressing the area with his thumb.

Remus could barley hold in the shudder that the warm breath dancing across his skin caused.

"If you were fine, you would not be so adverse to eating anything. Please Severus. Its not much…" Remus trailed off. He felt the cool, delicate hand on his arm tighten, and the breath on his neck begin to quicken. Ignoring the weight in his gut at the other mans obvious distress, Remus dragged himself out of the other mans grasp, stepping a safe distance away.

"One bite. Its not much to ask - and I don't think St Mungo's would be so patient with you as we are." It was a cruel, pathetic and risky thing to say, the threat making the werewolf's blood run cold , but he needed to try everything to make Severus realise how dangerous the situation he was in was.

He could see the man tense at his words, and the quick mind weigh up his options. Saw him eye the by now cold food with disgust, before raising his gaze back to the Griffindores. Lupin almost flinched at the burning hate the other mans eyes threw at him.

"You are the most perverted, depraved and vindictive creature I have ever had the misfortune to meet; and think carefully about who is saying that," Severus said in a quite reasonable voice, slowly standing up and sauntering towards the other man.

"Does it make you feel like a big bad wolf, knowing that if I don't do exactly what you want, that you have the power to ship me away from the only safe place I have ever known? Or is it a bit of nice neat revenge? But what ever for Lupin? For being a death eater? For hating Potter's precious little cherub? Or is it something else? Is it because I pushed you away? That, like the rest of society I did not want you near me, let alone touching me?" it was at this point that Severus reached the tawny haired man.

Reaching out, his hand a claw, Severus dragged the werewolfs head to his own, roughly kissing him, hurting him. Remus was a second away from relenting, and kissing back, the force only sparking a feral side of him, when Severus pulled away, long talon like fingers gripping the back of his neck.

"Hope you enjoyed that werewolf, because that is the last time I will ever voluntary touch you," Severus all but spat, dragging his hand away and storming off to his laboratory and slamming the door hard behind him.

Remus did not move for a few minute, just stood there shaking. Finally he moved, walking into his own room, laying on his bed, and breathing deeply as a few lone tears slid down his cheek.

And Severus, in his laboratory, was doing the same…

A/N

Sorry if I offended anyone with my depiction of Anorexia nervosa.

Please Review


	8. illusion

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money.

The next day was grey and damp, and the dungeons seemed colder, more harsh. Even in the comfort of the Potions master's rooms, the walls seemed constricting, and the air slicing. Remus lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to gather the will to leave the room and face the day. The events of yesterday still played in his mind, and Remus had spent much of the night praying for help, or trying to decide what to do next. And in the cold grey morning, he still had no idea…

Severus emerged from the bath encased in a huge terry bathrobe, the fire in his room expelling the cold from the walls. The events of the previous night played on his mind too, but with years of practise, he was ignoring the issues that were plaguing his mind. Turning to his wardrobe to gather his work clothes, his eyes were once again drawn to the fine oak mirror in his room.

The figure it presented was damp, its hair plastered to its neck, and its eyes big and black. All thought of clothing forgotten, Severus stepped up to the mirror, hands caressing the tie of the robe. With a deep breath he allowed the robe to open and drop to the floor, baring his pale body to the warmth of the room, and the cold scrutiny of the mirror. The fire cast shadows in the caverns between his ribs and his left hip cast a shadow over his stomach. There was still water nestled in the sharp dips of his collar bones, and his hair clung around a sharp jaw and prominent cheekbones. Seemingly out of his own will, his hands began their well versed route around his body, but Severus's thoughts were not with them for once. His thoughts were with the werewolf, and what was said yesterday. His mind was in conflict: logic and reason verses common sense. The threat was still ice in his mind, and the fear that went with it was questioning all he previously thought.

His nose was too big, his hands to large, his teeth too yellow. But losing weight did not seem to be compensating for it, although… his stomach still seemed quite podgy, his thighs looked huge. He could still see fat clinging to chin, his calves, his waist, and he felt a surge of pride when he felt hard hip bones under his hands.

Damn it he was fine! There was nothing wrong with the way he ate. Damn Lupin for putting these traitorous thoughts in his head! Lupin thought he had them on the run - ha! He was fine! He was… Grabbing his robe and trying it securely around his body, Severus stalked out of his room.

Remus had just fished a shirt from the closet when the door flew open and Severus swooped in. He was shocked to see the other man so soon after the argument, and was slightly alarmed by the look on the Potion master's face. Resisting the urge to step back when Severus stood close, he asked :

"What can I do for you Severus?"

Severus did not say anything at first, but raked his eyes over the werewolf's bare torso. Remus resisted the urge to squirm under the cold eyes, the comments of yesterday still painful. Finally, Severus brought his eyes back to the werewolf's.

"People think you attractive don't they? And I have never heard anyone criticise your weight…" Remus was thrown by the seemingly random questions, and could not help but stutter for a few seconds. Seeing the impatient look in the Slytherin's eyes, he calmed down and spoke.

"A number of people find me attractive, and I don't consider myself particularly bad looking. And no, I have never been really criticised about my weight…or the food I eat." Remus added the last part attentively.

Severus seemed to consider this, his eyes once again straying to the bare torso. Still Remus was shocked when long fingered hands began to poke and pull at his flesh. Keeping himself still, Remus felt Severus trail fingers down his ribs, pushing into the muscle till he felt each one. Felt him tug the skin around his hip bones, and circle his hands about the muscles in his arms trying to make the fingers curl completely around the hard flesh. When Severus stepped back, he seemed confused. Almost as if he did not know what he was doing, he raised hand to his own upper arm, and saw the eerily ease with which the Slytherin wrapped a hand around his entire upper arm. Without saying a word to the other man, Severus walked out of the room, more confused then ever…

A/N just a quick chapter to show I am alive. Sorry it took so long but life is sooo hectic.

I would like to thank Ballad for helping me keep this fic going and betaing, Thanks chick!

Review! Reviews feed my writing ego J


	9. I hate toast

Disclaimer: I own nothing and am making no money.

The next few weeks passed in a blur of fights; Severus' blank refusal to eat the food Remus prepared, and the werewolf's constant pressure on him to do so, made for a very tense and awkward atmosphere. Remus forever felt he was making the wrong move and saying the wrong things, while Severus' resentment of the situation grew stronger, making his verbal attacks on the werewolf more vicious then ever.

Breakfast had become the worst part of the day.

Severus sat at the kitchen table, drinking his cup of tea (no milk, no sugar) and thinking up a new way to snub the werewolf, when Remus walked in, and the day's battle began.

"Good morning Severus, sleep well?" Remus asked, not really expecting an answer.

He did not get one either.

Within a few minutes food was prepared, and a plate of toast was placed in front on the dark haired man, before the Gryffindor sat down with his own.

Severus inhaled the warm smell of toast and butter, imagining its brittle, moist texture, the slight rasping against his tongue, and the subtle crunch it would make as teeth chewed. He took a large gulp of his drink and averted his eyes from the table. As such, he did not see Remus look at him, taking in his hungry expression and frowning to himself.

"Just eat a few bites Severus, you've barely had anything now for a week," Remus asked softly, once more feeling like a man with as much power as a plastic bag.

Severus sneered to himself. He had been eating as he normally would over the past week; he just made sure that the werewolf never saw him. He wasn't going to give him the satisfaction; it was none of the Gryffindor's business what and when Severus ate. Instead of answering the other man, Severus clutched his tea tighter in his hand, and took a slow, deliberate sip.

Remus watched the pale hand as it brought the mug up to the man's lips. His long and delicate fingers prominently showed off each and every knuckle, purple and red veins lay tight over his hand like string, thin paper like skin was tightly wrapped around it; looking as if it could tear at any moment. Remus took a deep breath, once again cursing all those who let it get this far.

"Half a piece of toast Severus; eat that and I will stop nagging you for the day. Its just toast! You'll have burned it off within an hour of teaching, and you won't have to put up with me looking over your shoulder all day. Surely that's worth it?" Remus finished on a plea.

"You seemed to have greatly underestimated my powers to simply ignore you Lupin," Severus replied mockingly. Half a slice of toast; Ha! Severus knew it would not end there…soon it would be the whole piece, then two, till eventually they would ruin all the work he had already done and got him back under their thumb.

"You can't ignore me forever Severus, you can't ignore what this is doing to your health!" the normally mild man spat back.

"There is nothing wrong with my health Lupin," came the reply, although the voice now held a slight edge to it.

"Of course not" Remus said, with a slight sarcastic tone of his own "The fact that you're always tired and cold, with as much physical strength as a kitten, is entirely coincidental. Nothing at all to do with being too scared and paranoid to even eat toast!"

With those words, which had gradually become more and more angry, Remus rose from the table and strode from the room, the anger radiating off him in waves. Remus did not look back or stop, instead going to this room and slamming the door in anger. With the hollow sound echoing around the room, Remus released a breath he did not know he'd been holding, and sank down on his bed, guilt weighing heavily on him.

The feeling of anger had caved to feelings of loss and helplessness again, as Remus once more realized he had no idea what he was doing. Weeks of endless battles and insults had finally come to breaking point, and Remus had done what he swore he would never do: snapped. The blanket of guilt sat heavily on Remus, as he franticly wondered what to do now...

In the kitchen Severus was sitting bolt upright, with outrage flashing brightly in his eyes.

"How DARE he say that! What bloody right does he have to talk to ME like that! After all I've done, everything I've been through he still has to mordacity to call me scared!"

Suddenly feeling more energetic then he had in months; Severus stood and began pacing the kitchen still cursing the other man.

"I'll show that good-for-nothing, lying, spineless…"

His eyes fell on the cold toast. The familiar feeling of cold dread settled on his stomach, but for once it was not the focus of his attention- the anger and desire to be right was.

Acting quickly, before his logic could appear, he sat down hard at the table and reached a thin hand towards the toast, holding its cold form between his finger tips.

The cold food sat like sandpaper between his fingers, rough and harsh, and the warm smell of butter had grown sickly sweet and stark. Severus felt the bile rise in his throat at the smell, and he swallowed hard, before holding his breath and taking a bite out of the cold toast. Quickly dropping the rest he clutched his hand over his mouth and began to chew methodically, the anger draining out of him with every bite. When he could chew no more he sat for a few seconds terrified of the next step. Focusing on the sheer pleasure of proving Remus, Albus and Poppy wrong, he closed his eyes and swallowed down the toast, feeling regret almost immediately. The mushy residue seemed to reside in his mouth and he finished off his now cold tea in a bid to wash it away.

He rose from the table, leaving the food where it was; this would prove them all wrong.

Keeping his mind deliberately blank, he swept out of the kitchen and out of his rooms, the feeling of lead in his stomach growing with every step.

He never was fond of toast

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

With a deep sigh, Remus decided he could put it off no more; he had classes he had to get too. Lifting his chin and throwing back his shoulders, he left the sanctuary of his rooms, expecting to find a hissing and very pissed off potions master. Cautiously entering the kitchen, fully expecting a hex to be thrown his way, he was surprised to find it empty. Mentally shrugging to himself he was about to turn when out of the corner of his eyes he saw a bit of toast on the table, next to the other mans mug.

Peering closer at the subject of today's fight he was shocked to find teeth marks…

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Even Severus had to admit, he was especially vile to the students that day. The lead weight in his stomach made him uncomfortable and the guilt that tickled the edge of his mind made him irritable. His students were a perfect way to vent out those negative emotions.

Walking slowly to his rooms, he tried not to think about the possible error he had made by giving in to the werewolf. The satisfaction that had come with proving the werewolf wrong had disappeared quickly after leaving his rooms, and he was once again plagued by doubts and the fear of what that disgusting food was doing to him.

Walking into his rooms, he heard the distinct humming of Lupin coming from the kitchen. Having no desire to see the other, he quickly made a dash for his rooms, but was stopped when Lupin's sickeningly cheery voice rang out:

"Tea Severus?"

Pivoting on his heel he stared at the other man, and noticed that he already held his mug in his hand.

Remus smiled and placed the cup on the coffee table. Severus noticed for the first time that when Lupin smiled, his eyes turned up at the edges and slight wrinkles became apparent.

'Laughter lines' he thought absentmindedly.

With Lupin back in the kitchen, Severus walked over to the table and picked up his drink. Peering into it he was pleased to notice no milk, and taking a small sip, he was even more so to taste no sugar.

'Thank God the fool's given up trying to tamper with my drinks,' he thought to himself, and sat down in his chair, his hands soaking up the warmth of the cup.

"I believe you broke records today with the amount of detentions you gave out," Remus said, holding his own drink and sitting in the chair opposite. The fool was still smiling slightly, and Severus felt the annoying urge to smile back. But of course he didn't.

"More like the students breaking stupidity records," he snapped in answer.

Lupin smiled more at that

"But of course."

They sat in silence for a while, Severus watching Lupin from the corner of his eye. He seemed much more relaxed then he had this morning, and Severus' gaze was drawn to the long length of his legs when he crossed he feet at the ankles, noticing for the first time that he was barefoot. Dragging his gaze away he was started to see that the werewolf's gazed was fixed directly on him. Turning his head, he stared at the Gryffindor and asked: "What?" raising an eyebrow in the process.

With a wider smile, Lupin merely shook his head, indicating nothing.

"Just in a good mood," he answered truthfully. "I'm about to fix something to eat. Don't suppose you want anything do you?"

"You said you wouldn't nag me Lupin," was the gruff reply, dark eyes challenging him, daring him to start another fight.

"If I recall our deal was for half a slice to be eaten," Lupin replied smoothly while rising from his chair. "But I'll let it go this once."

And with one more infuriating smile, he walked back into the kitchen.

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Remus had just picked up the knife to begin chopping again, and started humming "Blue Moon" when Severus' smooth voice sleuthed into the room.

"This once? You mean your still continuing with this ridicules set-up?" he was asked.

"Yes, I am. And I will be doing so until Poppy tells me your back to a safe weight," he answered patiently. "It's a start Severus. But sadly there's still a long way to go…you're still much too thin and one bite of toast won't change that…no matter what you think."

He did not get a verbal answer, but the sound of a door slamming…

A/N Please Read

Once more I apologise if I offend anyone. Please say why and I will try to amend. Sorry this fics been out of commission recently, but I moved to university and as such my life has just been hectic. Its no excuse I know, hey…I'm the author so there :P

In a bid to move this fic along at a slightly faster pace I have an idea in mind for the next chapter and would like to ask anyone who has had any contact with anorexia to read my idea and let me know what they think. Please keep in mind if you do read it you may get spoilers…PLEASE READ DOWN FOR THE IDEA

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If you don't want to read then you have to review…you have too…the law has changed so now if you read something you have to review or face a year without the internet…its true! REVIEW!!!!!!! (Hey it rhymes…)

Here be possible spoilers

Ok, hi glad you got this far. Obviously, anorexia is a condition that takes years to recover from (if at all), from admitting you have a problem to the time you are in the "safe zone". However, that can make for a very uneventful fic. My idea for the next chapter is to have Severus find Remus' information on anorexia, and clink that he does have those characteristics. THAT DOES NOT MEAN I WILL MAGICALLY MAKE HIM ALL BETTER! I am not trying to find a quick fix, but a way to move this story forward. It does not mean that he will start eating three course meals or even fully accept his issue. The line I actually am considering using is :

"I…think that I may…possibly…have a slight…problem…with food."

My question to you is do you think that is a logical, plausible and fairly accurate way to move this story forward? OR do you think there are other ways to trigger the start of recovery? Am I just plain wrong?

Please be completely honest. I have had good (the best ones iv ever had! I love rereading them!!) reviews so far for the apparent accuracy of this story and would hate for it to take a nose dive on this issue. Any comments, suggestions etc would be so appreciated I will actually create a little dance for you all…

Please review and tell me what you think…

Thanks!


	10. a start

Disclaimer: Not mine and making no money.

"Bloody werewolf. Stupid Gryffindor. What does he know!?" Severus ranted

to himself while pacing up and down in his dreary room. The fact that Remus

was still going to push him to eat infuriated and enraged the Potions Master

even more. He had already proven them wrong; what more could he do to

be rid of them!?

Anorexia: Hah! The very idea was laughable! While he may not have

Known much on the subject, he did know that it affected women, not men.

Anorexia affected adolescent girls with weight hang-ups, not almost forty year

Old men who just wanted to keep in shape! Maintaining a trim size was hard

in a place that served enough fatty food to clog up an artery on sight.

Just because he did not want to become as big a Hagrid did not make him

Anorexic! He was a grown man; who the hell had the authority to tell him what he

should be eating?

Letting out a sigh, Severus felt better, the internal rant helping to

Clear away his repressed anger. He would find a way out of this. He had

faced worse things. Besides, he had to prepare to cover Lupin's DADA class

in 2 days. Honestly, what was the point in hiring someone who would be off

ill for a few days EVERY MONTH! It boggled the mind.

"May as well use Lupin's office,": Severus said quietly to himself.) "Need to find out what the useless mutt has beenattempting to teach the brats."

Throwing back his shoulders and raising his head high, he left the sanctuary

of his rooms. Upon hearing someone clanging about in the kitchen, he stalked

towards it.

"Lupin, I will be using your office to prepare for the DADA class on

Thursday. Don't bother to disturb me," he informed the preoccupied

wolf.

"That's fine, Severus. Help yourself to whatever you need," Remus

Mumbled back, busy concentrating on preparing his own meal. While three meals a

Day were prepared by the house elves, Professors had to prepare their own

Food if they wished to eat at another time. Something that the elves union

Had worked very hard for.

Since Remus was so busy concentrating, he missed the prolonged look

that Severus gave him, black eyes raking up his back and down his legs. He

did however hear the slam of his office door.

'These poor doors must be terrified of Severus,' Remus thought idly to

himself.

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Sinking down into the harsh stitching of the office chair, Severus

Sighed once more and took a few moments to bring himself up to date with the

DADA lesson plans. Realizing that he would need a quick refresher course on the

topic, he went to the rather jammed bookcase. His eyes quickly identified the book he needed, which was nestled between Hogwarts History and 101 Uses for Carrots. The latter

got an unturned eyebrow.

Quickly pulling the desired text from its place, he turned back to the

rickety desk and made him self comfortable. DADA Advanced; a reputable text. Severus was pleased that at least the course literature was adequate for the situation, even if the teacher wasn't. Severus was about to open and start reading when he noticed a scrap of white paper poking out from the middle of the book. Being curious by nature, he grasped it in his thin

fingers and released the loose page from its confines. He almost dropped it when he read the first few words of Lupin's scrawl:

Anorexic Traits. Below it was notes and rough writing.

'Why,' was the unfinished thought that stalked through the potions masters mind. Why would the werewolf have this? Are these actual traits of the illness? Why would the other man have actually researched it? A million questions were racing through the dark haired mans mind, and before he

was aware that he as doing it, he was reading it, words and phrases screaming through his mind.

_75 below their ideal body weight._

_Denial of a problem. Illusions of control. Headaches._

_Physically weak from lack of food. Fainting._

_Fear of eating. Hides food. Hates being watched while eating. Food_

_not_

_high on priorities._

_Unable to see lack of weight. Always see themselves as "fat" no matter_

_how_

_thin._

_Sometimes suffer from depression and/or low self-esteem._

_Perfectionists._

_Starvation symptoms, such as reduced metabolism, slow heart rate_

_Creaking or painful joints and bones. Unable to sleep due to_

_discomfort._

_Constantly feeling cold due to lack of fat_

_Common in adolescents but does occur across the age range, within both_

_genders. Very sensitive to references about body weight. Become very_

_angry_

_when forced to eat "forbidden" foods._

And it went on. And on. And on. The words swam in front of dark eyes, attaching themselves to Severus, his behavior, his feelings, the way he looked. Finally, unable to read any more he slammed the paper down, panting and shaking. There was silence in the cold office apart from the harsh, loud breathing of its lone occupant.

'A trick. It had to be a trick. They planted it here for me to read. They wanted to make me paranoid.' Severus stopped his train of thought. If it was a trick, then they would not have hid it in Lupin's office, in the confines of a book. He was not meant too have seen this. But still.

'It fits you quite well,' a quite voice whispered in his head. 'You are always cold. It's getting harder to lay down comfortable. You fainted. You KNOW you have lost weight and yet you don't see yourself as thinner. You hate eating and-'

'SHUT UP!' a loud voice screamed. 'It's a trick! You live in a dungeon! It's always cold! The damn beds too lumpy to be comfortable! You are thinner then you were but you're still no stick insect.'

As Severus argued with himself, he felt exhausted both physically and mentally. He felt so confused; he knew what he knew. And yet.

Grabbing a quill and a parchment, Severus set about to making some notes of his own.

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Remus had just finished washing up the pots, when he thought about making a

cup of tea.

'May as well go and see is Severus wants one too. He should be finished by now. He's been working for ages'. Going to the sturdy oak of his office door he rapped three times before opening the door and poking his head through.

"Severus? Do you want a cup of." His voice trialed off when he saw the Potions Master and he stepped into the room.

Severus looked. odd. He was sitting perfectly still, yet breathing heavily; a shaky hand clutched around a quill, tense lips formed a thin line, dark, intense eyes twitched minutely as they stared down at the parchment on the desk. Those severe eyes finally flickered over to Remus's, staring up at him with such an deep look of concentration, that Remus almost flinched. As quick as they had looked up, they snapped back down to the paper.

"Are you alright?" he asked, unsure.

There was a silence that seemed to scream throughout the room, and just as

Remus was on the verge of asking again, Severus spoke, his voice stressed, unsure and begrudging.

"I think that I may. Possibly. have a. a slight problem with food."

A/N

Holy mother of God I actually updated. Remember to leave a review if ur still interested in this story!!

I hope I did not offend anyone with this story.


	11. Alive and Confused

Disclaimer:Not mine, don't own, no money being made.

Severus sat in the big padded oak chair in the living room in front of the fire. He clasped a cup of tea, without milk or sugar, in his spider like hands and stared at the fire, concentration marring his forehead. Remus sat at the other end of the room, confused, worried and elated. What was suppose to happen now? What is nothing changed? But at least there had been a grudging admittance of a problem, and that was had to be a start. Once again, Remus wished he knew more, knew what to do. He felt beyond useless. Finally unable to stand the silence any more, he sighed loudly and asked:

"What now?", his voice soft and leading, even to his own ears. Severus gave no indication of having heard him.

"Maybe we could…I mean what about…Do you think…" Remus trailed off, worried about saying the wrong thing and sending the dark haired man into defensive mode. This time Severus sighed softly, and shifted in the large chair that seemed to swallow his thin frame.

"I want more information. And I suppose I should get my medical records from Poppy," Severus finally replied, voice hard and begrudging. He clearly was still having trouble seeing himself in terms of this disorder. Remus could almost track his internal argument, as his eyes darted slightly left to right, and his scowl increased at random moments. Remus was just relived that a plan seemed to be forming.

"That sounds like a good idea Severus. I could get the books for you after clas-"

"No. I will collect them myself," Severus cut in. He was damned if he was going to let Lupin and the Old Man give him biased and misleading information. Severus felt emotionally exhausted. His own mind seemed to be shattering, and the pieces no longer fit together perfectly, no matter how Severus arranged them. The only way he could think of melding the pieces together, was to look at it like the scientist he was; with facts, information and learned argument. Odds are, when properly armed he could finally argue that he was not anorexic, but stressed, or maybe he was not actually at a dangerous weight…

"That's fine," Lupin smiled softly, "if you need anything at all, please just come to me…or Poppy. If you like, I can be out of your hair all day and afternoon tomorrow, I need to speak to Albus about the Duelling Club…" he trailed off, partly due to confusion, mostly due to the memory of a kiss that suddenly assaulted him. It seemed a lifetime away, but the recollection of taste and smell, of warn thin body and willing lips had not dulled. Looking at the skinny man in front of him, he was reminded of all the things he found attractive; long fingers and able hands, smooth plient lips, high cheekbones. Remus briefly wondered if it was wrong; finding a man so painfully and worryingly thin attractive. What did it say about him? Could Severus take it as proof that losing weight was making him attractive, that any weight gain would be unattractive? Was appearance the driving force for Severus abusing himself in this way from the start? Or was it something else? Remus was getting lost in his own mind again, and he sighed again and rubbed his temples, trying to calm his thoughts.

At the sigh Severus finally looked at Lupin. He did indeed remember the kiss; a kiss that took place before all this nonsense, as well as the kiss given in anger grief and hate. Looking at Lupin, sat back in his chair, rubbing his temples slowly, head tilted back and legs spread in comfort, Severus felt himself grow warm, and he briefly allowed himself to think on Lupins apparent affections.

Since all this nonsense had started, Lupin had not made a move, and when Severus had initiated one, when Lupin had tried to feed him toast the first time, he pulled away. Had the sudden label of "anorexic" put him off? But he weighed the same for both kisses, was just as fat, no major physical changes. Unless it was all a lie. Lupin never found him attractive, was simply pulling a prank. Or had Severus got fatter? Was Lupin or the Old Man finding ways to make him even fatter, even more repulsive, and now Lupin could not stand the thought of Severus? Damn the Gryffindor! Slytherins may be sneaky, cunning and manipulative but at least you knew you were about to get screwed over! And if the man pitied him, there would be hell to pay…Silence began to scream throughout the room as two men explored their own minds, equally lost and confused.

Later that night, in bed, Lupin masturbated, Severus's name on his lips. Afterwards, he did not know whether he should feel ashamed.

At the same time, Severus was thinking of Lupin, confused as to whether he was disappointed that Lupin no longer wanted him…

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Severus woke up the next morning, with the familiar and comforting feeling of a gaping hole in his stomach. Wrapping his arms around his thin form under the covers, he vaguely wondered what it would be like to wake up without this feeling. Would the sense of achievement be gone? Would he wake lethargic and heavy? Sighing deeply he threw back the covers and began to dress.

Making his way to the kitchen he was surpised to see Lupin leaving.

"Good morning Severus" Lupin greeted, annoyingly chirpy for this time in the morning. "Though I would eat breakfast in the main hall…give you some space. There is a cup of tea and some toast in the kitchen. I would really appriciateit if you ate something before you go to class…" he finished off softly, before nodding goodbye and flashing a final pleading smile. Remus had decided to back off, give Severus some room to get his thoughts together. And having people constantly hovering while you eat must be annoying. This once would not hurt.

Severus remained expressionless as he watched Lupin leave. Was he so repulsive that Lupin could not bear to risk having to watch him shovel yet more food into his body? Sighing he made his way to the kitchen and his morning cup of bland tea. Toast was once again on the table, laying like a sponge, porous and moist. Why was it always bloody toast?

Severus remained standing as he drank his tea and looked at the food. He did not want it. He never had breakfast. Even as a student, breakfast was never his favourite meal of the day. Yet he also knew that despite Lupins absence, word would somehow reach him and the headmaster that he was not eating to their schedule. Today he did not want to deal with their opinions, but his own…

A spark of an idea.

Picking up the soaked toast, Severus took a deep breath and bit a significance piece off. Before promptly spitting it into his hand. Placing the bitten toast back on the to plate, Severus muttered a simple spell…and watched the piece he had bitten off burn and burn, till it was nothing but a pile of ash…

Throwing the ash down the drain, Severus felt smug pride raise up inside him. Those interfering meddlers would not have complete control. Quickly rinsing his mouth out with is remaining tea, trying to get the oily taste of butter out of his mouth, he left the plate and the cup on the side. No doubt the house elves would also be reporting to Albus and Lupin, and this may placate them enough to leave him alone…

Feeling happier and more in control since this whole fiasco started, Severus walked out the his quarters, aiming to send for some books before class started….

A/N

Yes I am alive, just got lost in the universe for a while. don't know if anyone is still interested in this story but we will see….

Sorry its so short, trying to get back into the flow. If people are still interested, I am trying to find a way to develop the RLSS relationship realistically- any ideas or comments? So far thinking of theory with Lupin under the truth potion…just that just first idea.

Please review to show interest.


	12. The Truth Shall set you freeand hurt

Disclaimer. Not mine, making no money.

Severus felt tired. So tired…He was all but slumped back in the chair, eyes blankly staring ahead, his breath sounding harsh and heavy in the empty office. A dozen books lay open and strewn about the table, paper with spider like handwriting left in neat piles; a catalogue of psychological evaluation.

An evaluation that had to be wrong.

All information was subjective. It had to be interpreted and presented and therefore the information may simply be a reflection of personal bias…Severus sighed loudly, his mind seemed to be attacking itself; the scientist verses the person. The information, the symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa fit. They described him. They described his medical notes, his rules concerning food, even his excuses for it all.

But it could not be true…

It was just the Headmaster. Obviously he thought Severus was getting too free, too above himself. Controlling his diet was just another string that could be attracted to make him dance. And he had got the Werewolf to go along with it…that must have been why Lupin tried to make him believe the Werewolf found him attractive, to add fodder to the lie…

Severus sighed loudly again. Even in his own, the idea seemed too far a stretch, but he was too tired to think anymore…

He just wanted the truth…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Remus looked up when he heard the Potions Master walk thought the door and he felt his hearth break. Severus's face was just as closed off and expressionless but still he could see…

Could see the slight hunch of shoulders, the heaviness to the eyes, the paleness of skin and the careful walk that spoke of tiredness, both mental and physical. Severus almost seemed the personification of "wearing yourself to the bone". Remus did not want to push a man so obviously exhausted, and instead bit his tongue from asking about his research and instead offered,

"Cup of tea?" Ah, the joys of being British…

At the slight nod, Lupin walked to the kitchen, noting with worry the way Severus seemed to fold in on himself as he sat in the chair. Quickly two steaming mugs were prepared and by the time Remus walked back to the living room, Severus was sat as he normally was; rigid and stern. Placing the two mugs on the table, he was slightly shocked by Severus's deep voice asking

"I want to see the notes you made about….it", he asked softly, but unable to fully keep a sneer out of his voice.

"Of course," he replied and hurried away to his office. Considering that Severus had spent the afternoon researching the werewolf was a bit shocked, but assumed Severus just wanted to cross reference…maybe double check things…

Returning to the room notes in hand, he handed them over, keeping his face impassive as long bony fingers and a vein roped handed clutched them. Sitting down, he drank his tea facing the fire, trying not too goon and overwhelm Severus with any unwanted attention. He faintly heard the rustle of paper, and the soft breathing of the dark haired man.

"Where do you keep your secret staff of chocolate Lupin?" the rich voice asked, echoing round the room.

"Hidden draw in my office table, in the armour in the classroom under a spider glamour," Remus answered promptly. Jerking his head to look at Severus, he was surprised and dismayed to see the man smirking. Remus would not have just _answered _that question! His secret stash was sacred, something set to become a Hogwarts legend…he would never have denied Severus what it held but to just give away the location, no questions, no follow-up no thought…

Veritaserum. While he was in the office…Why?

Remus felt a shiver of nervous apprehension. Wide eyed and confused, he asked:

"Severus, what…I mean…why…." Before Snape cut him off.

"I'll ask the questions," was the curt reply. As painful as it may be, Lupin was going to tell the truth about this whole fiasco. All the loose ends up be tied up and Severus could finally _sleep_…

"Do you, Albus, and Poppy, honestly think I am suffering from the eating disorder anorexia nervosa," was the first question. The potion would not wear of for half an hour and Severus would have ample time to fine tune the questions.

"Yes. Poppy thought first, told Albus who in turn spoke to me. We all feel you have the disorder," came the prompt reply. Remus was beginning to form an understanding of the "why". He just hoped ths would bring Severus some sense of closure, acceptance or understanding.

Severus frowned. That was not a promising response.

"Why?"

"From what Albus and I have learnt and what Poppy knew. Your dangerously under weight for a man your height, we rarely see you eat, you have an aversion to eating, you don't see your weight loss…your almost skin and bone and appear to be deliberately starving yourself to achieve it," Remus replied, sitting back his face expressionless.

Severus had to speak carefully, lest his reply give more fuel to the fire. Any comment on the fact that he was fat, could turn against him, since Lupin had just said he was too thin…

"None of you consider these possibilities : I may seem thin for a man of my height, but that I may be slight of frame- I'm not exactly broad shouldered. Hence the exact weight guidelines may not apply? That I simply don't like people watching me eat? Finally, that you may not have noticed my weight gain? Robes are hardly the most form fitting" Severus parried with, choosing his words and trying to keep calm. No accusations, no flying off the wall…just questions.

Lupin took a deep breath before replying:

"Severus your weight is too low for your height and your frame. You are not merely a few pounds underweight but stones. Your bones are prominent and your body fat is extremely low," Severus had to hold back a scoff, "If it was simply a matter of not have people watch you eat, you would still eat healthily in your quarters, and finally, you have never been an overweight man to my knowledge. Your right in that robes are not form fitting, but Albus Poppy and myself have seen you in shirts and trousers, and they do show your weight loss." Remus finished.

"Why would Albus assign me a jailor? Why not just ship me off to the nut house and be done with it!" Severus demanded harshly, Lupins previous answers enraging him due to their truthful honesty. An honesty which did not match his…

"Albus does not want to send you away for fears removing you from your home could make you worse. That when you came back you would still be sick, but more careful to hide it. He wants to be sure you will get better. I was asked to look out for you because Albus felt you needed to be taken care of and encouraged…I accepted because I like you and want to take care of you," Remus answered, the truth potion wringing the last part out unwillingly. God only knows if that revelation will make things better or worse…

"Like me how?" Severus asked before the could fully vet the words. Damn it…did he really want to know? Lupin groan internally, dreading the fallout from this little escapade.

"Romantically. I find you interesting and attractive, and have since we were students, although I wish you were not anorexic" Remus was forced to answer, worried but slightly relived he had also been forced to say the final bit. He could not bring himself to be angry at Severus. The desperation in the man slowly coming to the surface, and Remus felt mostly pity and worry that the man was so desperate that he had to turn to this. 'Oh Severus, what happened to you…'

Severus finally lost it.

"Romantically?! Oh yes, that's why you haven't even made a pass since this whole lie started. That's why you refused my attempt to to…initiate intimacy" Severus still felt…uneasy, about that whole incident, " Its why you try to force me to get fatter. Got a thing for obese men have you Lupin?" Severus was breathing rapidly at this point, and as suddenly as the energy entered him, it was gone again, and he lay slumped back in his chair breathing deeply. This had all gone wrong…

"I haven't made a pass at you because I did not know what to do. Would it make you worse? Would you take it as proof that you need to be this thin to be attractive? And I turned you down because it was so much more important that you at least try to eat something. If I had given in the issue would have been pushed to one side. I look at you sometimes and I worry that your going to break if I hold you too close. I found you attractive before this came to light, and I still find you attractive now…and I will still find you attractive if you finally eat and put the weight on, probably even more so. Your too thin…your sick" Lupin trailed off, suddenly feeling crushed under the weight of worry and guilt…

But there it was. The truth.

Lupin found him attractive. Lupin found him too thin. Poppy and Albus thought him anorexic, and kept him here to try and help him get better. There was no conspiracy. No lies. It was all worry and care. It all had to be the truth, the potion was still in effect, Lupin genuinely felt this, knew this…

"What now?" Severus said, shocked at himself, at how lost he felt, how angry, how vulnerable…

"I don't know," came the reply. Lupin looked at him with worry.

"If I'm so "dangerously thin" how can you find me attractive then?" came the final push, the desperate grab at straws for anything that would back up what Severus's common sense was screaming at him…

"Because your Severus, as soppy as that sounds. Your more then just an Anorexic…"

And there it was…

A/N

Was aiming to write more but there seemed a perfect place to stop (tho possibly slightly evil). Trying desperately to push along the pace of this story. If this seemed unrealistic please bear with me and comment. Although I will mention that if I had to write 20 chapters over a year or more timeline for total realism then it can get very samey very quickly. Sorry if Severus seemed OOC but I tried, and considering the man is having a major identity crisis, a little OOC may be a good thing.

Please review and comment. They keep me writing and the more I get, the more ideas form and the quicker it gets done. Any ideas or comments about anything to do with this story, e.g. the realism or **anecdotes about anorexics and relationships, are greatly appreciated and I send you all E-Hugs in advance!**

**Review and get good Karma and an extra present from Santa!**


	13. Loves not always enough read an

Disclaimer: I do not own, and I am making no money

For the first time in decades, Severus Snape wished for something. He wished for something so simple, so generic and mundane. He wished he could eat.

Lupin had gone to bed hours ago, a lost puppy still disorientated from the truth potion. Severus had stayed up, his mind a whirl, pacing and thinking and silently screaming. He currently sat in the spacious, well stocked kitchen, and plate with a few spoonfuls of pasta in sauce in front of him. In honesty, it smelled and looked wonderful. Yet the longer Severus looked at it, the smell became sharp, sour and stomach clenching. It began to look huge, and sticky, as if it would cling to his insides if he put it in his mouth. His stomach felt hollow and gaping, the smell of the food making it growl. But Severus could not pick up the fork and eat.

He didn't think he could even if he really wanted to…

Severus let out a long, heartfelt sigh, wrapping thin arms around himself feeling so separated from the world; he felt like he was wrapped in a bubble of air, neither hot or cold. He felt he was being slowly and steadily pressed inside his skin, a minute pressure on his arms, his legs, his chest…

He felt dizzy…

Remus awoke in his darkened room with a start. Breathing heavily, he jumped out of bed, grabbing his dressing gown and peering round the door of his room.

The living room was empty, but there was a light in the kitchen but no noise came from it. Frowning, he strode to the bright room, calling out.

"Severus? Are you…" Remus froze. In a split second he took in a heart stopping sight. Severus lay crumped in a heap on the floor, breathing shallowly and slowly, bones jutting into the tiled floor and eyes closed. A bowl containing a mouthful of pasta lay on the table…Remus felt cold. Rushing to the mans side, he quickly held him in his arms, barly noticing the coldness of the other mans skin, the slight trembling.

Calling his name, and getting no reponse, he easily lifted the skeletal man into his arms and rushed from the room, frantically running to the hospital wing.

Albus' eyes felt tired and itchy, a testament to the tears he had been holding back. He looked at the tragic figure laying in the bed with a heavy heart feeling completely and utterly hopeless. He had been wondering if he was making the right choice, doing what was best…the sight in front of him confirmed he had not.

Severus lay in bed, still unconscious. His breathing was worryingly slow, shallow and rasping. His skin looked thin and stretched tight, bones distorting it on his face and hands. Albus became aware that Severus was once again shivering, and he automatically magically turned up the heating charm on the blankets that swamped Severus, his body completely unidentifiable in the folds of the heated covers. The only thing showing was his thin, pale face, and his bony hands…currently connected to an needle, that was forcing a much needed nutrient potion into his veins.

Albus desperately tried to blink away the tears again…

"Albus?" The old man turned at the sound of Poppys voice, making his way towards her office. She had been talking to Lupin, needing to know what had been going on since Severus had last been seen. Her face seemed deliberately neutral, but in the Headmasters experience, that was never a positive thing…

Upon entering her office he smiled a sad, tight smile at Lupin, who was staring with wide vacant eyes. It seemed he had not been strong enough to ward back his tears.

"Take a seat Albus" came Poppys voice, and the old man dutifully sat in a wide chair, feeling lost and out of his depth. Poppy began talking in a hard and controlled voice, the night clearing taking its toll. Her speech was quick and to the point,

"He was lucky tonight. If Remus had not found him right away, he damn well could have died. His organs are on the verge of shutting down. He has lost weight since the last time and there is no time to let this issue "work itself out". He needs help. Quialified, proffesional help and all the love and best interests in the world are not going to be enough on there own. He needs to be in St Mungos or another eating disorders clinic. Now, at the moment, the potion he is hooked up to is giving him vital nutrients, but the damage is already done. When he wakes up, and leaves, he will almost certainly go back to his old ways, and next time he may not be so lucky. You can't fix him between yourselves, you need to send him somewhere which can help him…love is not enough this time Albus…" Poppy trailed off, knowing her opinion would force Severus to face his fears, and even then he may not recover, and he may simply not bother coming home.

There was silence in the room as three people got lost inside their own minds.

Albus wondering how he could have failed the other man so much, if he had made it worse or too late.

Remus wishing he could just hold the other man, keep him safe and hide him away from all this, make him happy.

Poppy wished she had seen it sooner, that she was more qualified to deal with it, to keep the man close to his friends and home.

All the while, Severus slept the sleep of the damned.

When Severus awoke he felt groggy, made of liquid. His mind was confused trying desperately to piece together what happed, where he was. Opening his eyes, he found himself in a bed in the hospital wing, heated blankets piled on top of him. He was still dazed and disorientated, and lifting his hand to rub his face, he became aware of the intruder spitting poison into his arm. Looking at it blankly for a few seconds, he felt an overwhelming panic- what was it? What would it do? Before he could gather enough strength to try and remove it, Albus and Poppy materialised at his side, faces tight in sad smiles and eyes bright with worry. Severus blinked owlishly, eyes darting to his hand, asking the question he did not want to voice.

Albus dropped his gaze for a split second, before staring into Severus's dull eyes and saying

"We need to talk my child…"

For a second time in just a single night, Remus awoke with a jolt, mind immediately active and looking frantically around. He was still in Poppys office. Wincing at a million muscle spasms that assaulted him, he realised that he must have fallen asleep in the hard backed chair. He had not wanted to leave the Wing last night, needing to stay, be close to Severus. A small cough alerted him to the Headmasters presence, and he quickly stood up, ignoring his discomfort.

"Is Severus alright? Has he woken up?" he asked frantically, worried by the Headmasters wet eyes, and tired face.

"He is awake. Still very weak mind, and I doubt he will be able to leave the wing for a while. Poppy and I spoke to him…" here the Headmaster trailed off, sighing. Remus directed him to a chair, which the old man delicately sat in, before carrying on.

" We cant look after him here Remus. He needs professional help, not good intentions, Poppy was right. He will be leaving in a few days to go to a clinic, that can look after him, help him-"

"What? But, he wont go! He would hate to leave, this is his home, taking him from will not do him any good-" Remus was cut off by the headmaster.

"And leaving him here so he can starve or die of complications is better? He's sick Remus. He may be starting to see it, but seeing it wont help him change…this is for the best," the headmaster spoke as if he was trying to convince not only Remus but himself. The werewolf said nothing, but memories of an impossible struggle of getting Severus to eat, of Severus's desperation to avoid food, flooded him and he knew that the headmaster was right. Severus belonged here, but alive, not dead.

Severus was still seething, the anger masking the worry and hurt. They were making him leave. He was too much trouble and they were making him leave.

He hurt everywhere. Not a sharp, specific pain, but an ache that echoed his whole body, he had never felt so terrible, so used up in his harsh life. He just wanted to close his eyes and float away. He did not want to eat, get better. He had to accept he was sick given all the evidence, but recovering just seemed too much trouble, too hard, too much. He was so confused, so tired, so alone.

"Severus?"

The potions master turned his head to the voice, seeing Lupin standing there, looking sad and tired. The potions master turned away, not wanting to see the pity or disgust in those brown eyes.

"What do you want?" his voice was hard, even though it was weak.

"To talk to you, keep you company, just assure myself you alright…I'm not sure, all three I think" Remus's voice was calm and soft, as if if he spoke to loud Severus would shatter. When Severus made no comment or movement, the werewolf pulled the visitors chair close to the bed, sat, and gently, took Severus' slim hand into his own. Severus turned his head, looking at their joined hands, face confused before looking at Lupin. The other simply smiled, squeezing the hand harder but still mindful of Severus' comfort.

"What do you think your doing Lupin?" Severus asked, raising and eyebrow, but not pulling his hand away…raising the eyebrow took enough energy. Lupin took a deep breath, fingers slowly tracing patterns on the pale him in his own.

"I was so scared Severus. I thought you were dying. That I would lose you, this horrible thing would take you…and it would be my fault, because I could not make you better…"Lupins voice began to crack slightly, and he took a deep breath, carrying on.

"Albus has told me that you will be going somewhere where they can help you get better, somewhere with better staff then idiotic Griffyndors," here he smiled weakly, "I've been told that, you can have visitors though, so expect me every chance I get…God Severus I'm so sorry…please don't hate me…" at this point, a few tears escaped.

Severus did not know what Remus was apologising for.

Was it for sending him away?

Was It for "failing" him…for letting last night happen?

Was it for everything?

Severus did not know, but he squeezed Remus' hand, and just enjoyed not being alone.

A/N Usual apologies and that. Hope I did not offend anyone and that it was in keeping. I decided to

a) do a lot of POV shifts because I wanted to move it along with out writing every little thing

b) Turn it so that Snape recived professional help because it just seems more realistic to me - Snape to proud to just give in, he needs to be forced. But that means I can play on their relationship and sev's confidence and body issues etc.

I will defiantly be updating and finished this story now that I have moved it on considerably in terms of changes to plot and development.

I got a kick up the arse because earlier today someone actually posted the first chapters of this story as their own word for word, even the summery. Someone tried to steal my work! Annoying! So yeah, pride will not let this die now.

And I apologise for spelling and grammer- I knocked this chapter out quickly to show its not dead and that I watch it - I will correct them later in week.

Please review and tell me what you think of my changes- its not too late to work it another way.

Reviewing saves kittens…


	14. help

A/N not mine and don't own and make no money

Life was a blur for Severus. Days of sitting in a bed in the hospital wing, Lupin and Albus sitting by his side, making small talk and trying to make themselves feel better, followed by this.

An Eating Disorders clinic.

Severus was still weak when they brought him here, his mind still a cloud and his body still screaming for rest. Hurried whispers between Albus and a man in a white coat, Lupin repeating it was going to be alright and apparently his fate was sealed. His new prison was white and clean and sterile and intrusive. Forced blotches of colour were statistically placed on the walls in the form of posters advertising Anorexia, Bulimia, Over eating, Binge eating…Skeletal creatures shared the ward with Severus. Their sharp points and gray skin were only eclipsed by their drama. Screams of "you cant make me", "I'm not sick!" and "its my body" made their way to his ears every so often. He tried to block it out.

At the start it was easy. He had his own room, his only visitors medical professionals who would force potions into his veins and check his statistics. Some were ignorant, went about their job in silence with no eye contact. Others would chatter, about their lives, other peoples lives, Severus's life…he blocked them out as well. He was so tired it was easy. He needed a rest, he had no more energy to fight.

The trouble started shortly after. He had been there a week when he started to feel again. Breathing became easier and his body became his own again. The pressure on his mind was still there, but it had been there so long it had almost become a comfort. One morning, the men in white came into his room for an "induction".

He was there to get better.

He was there because he was sick. And there is no shame in that.

They were going to make him better.

They would make him eat.

They would find out why he made himself sick.

He would talk

He would eat.

He would talk

He would eat.

He would talk…

He would eat…

Severus wanted to throw up. How muggle. Magic right at their finger tips and they have yet to find a potion or a spell to fix people. It was ridicules. Suddenly, Severus found himself faced with a huge plateful of food several times a day, served to him by a woman who had even colder eyes then he did. He found himself forced into a small room every so often with a mousy man who wanted to talk about his parents, his friends, his self esteem, his body image, his phobias, his _issues. _Occasionally "specialists" would have an appointment; a woman made his stare at himself in a mirror, a young man would request memories for him to study. Outside is own room, thin and waif like people flittered from room to room, and Severus knew that down the hall and to the left, he would find people with the same but opposite problem of eating too much. . This place was intrusive, forceful and public.

Severus felt the much loved bubble of anger and hate grow day by day as he realised he had been duped. The waifs outside the door were sick- with the jutting bones and panting breaths. He should not be there.

They would not let him leave a mouthful on his plate. To compensate he began to run on the spot, do push ups and many other exercises in his room when all was quiet. He found little nooks and crannies to hide food until he could flush it later, when they weren't waiting for the tell tell sound. He began to stay silent during his therapy sessions, saying only falsehoods or insults when he had to say something. He told the young woman she was a fraud and the other man to get out of his memories or face legal action. His anger grew everyday, and everyday became a struggle. Dumbledore and Lupin tried to visit. Severus refused to see them, scream, shouting and throwing things if they managed to worm their way in. He wanted nothing to do with them any more. They had put him in this place, to control him, ruin him, take his privacy and his identity from him. He hated himself for being so foolish, for not fighting before this place swallowed him whole. He could only hope the letter asking for legal advice on his situation would not be intercepted…

He had toyed briefly with the idea of sending howlers to the headmaster and the werewolf, deciding against it only because he knew silence was the biggest "fuck you" a soul could give. He knew he could never go back to Hogwarts now. He could never trust anyone there again, his life would not be his own. This would be brought up and trotted out like a show pony, to humiliate and keep him reigned in, to do as he was told.

Sick or not, they should never have made him leave…

And so it went on. Therapy :

"_According to your records, your father was abusive"_

All fathers are in one way or another…

"_You like things neat and ordered don't you Severus?"_

A neat space reflects a neat life…

"_How do you feel….Why do you think that…..is it possible…….what is your ideal weight….compensating?……scared….anxious…."_

SHUT UP!

Self Esteem:

"_Severus the mirror is lying to you. _

Mirrors don't lie you daft bat

"_I can see your reflection too, but it's a lie. The man in the mirror isn't the man in front of the mirror…"_

You should talk to Trewlany, something tells me you would be great friends…

"_This illness makes a liar of the mind Severus, it will never be happy, never make you happy…"_

Didn't expect it too.

"Severus, that's skin your pulling, not fat-"

DON'T TELL ME WHATS NOT TRUE!

Memory analysis:

"_Severus, why don't we look at-"_

LEAVE ME ALONE!

CXMCX,MCX,MXC,XMC,

Soz for short chapter- wondering on how to move it forward romantically now.

Anyway, on the subject of plagiarisms:

The first author to publish this story as their own has apologised and explained how it happened (it was not intentional), and I thank her for her honesty and forthcoming on the matter. It takes guts to say it was me and it was an accident. So thank you J

The second person has said nothing to me in any way shape or form. However, their version has not been updated and I will leave the matter be. Thank you to any reviewers who have reported the incidents- knowing your eagle eyes are out there makes me feel safe! It was lovely to have such support.

Any comments, critics and suggestions would be gladly accepted. Not sure how to combine romantic interested with such complex body image and emotional issues but will soldier on!

Take care everyone!


	15. Liars the lot of them

A/N I own nothing and am making no profit.

The white, sterile walls were starting to drive Severus mad. They seemed to reflect a blinding light that offered no respite, no peace. The hollow walls echoed every sound and the sickly grease of fatty food seemed to cling to the air. There was no mental stimulus, merely the consistent mantra of food, therapy and sleep, food, therapy and sleep. Severus could feel himself grow bigger by the day, grow more sluggish and lazy. He refused to interact with other inmates (as he came to call them). They were clearly sick- young skeletal girls with body problems and daddy issues. There were one to two other men, and a few older people, but each seemed to keep to themselves. That suited Severus fine.

Dumbledore, Lupin and Poppy still tried to visit. Severus still refused to see them, although he was starting to feel guilty about pushing Poppy away. She probably genuinely thought she was doing some good. His therapist (The-rapist, as his own mind perverted the pronunciation) thought he should see them. Hear what they have to say, see what they have to see. Severus wasn't interested. Liars the lot of them.

The most damning thing this place did was it forced you to think misleading thoughts. To look back at your life and make something out of nothing. To consider your mistake, evaluate how you ended up where you were, identify deciding factors in your life. Given the detail in Severus's life this was a dangerous thing to do. It made him revisit past memories and experiences that he had hoped he had long ago buried, examine the people in his life and the people who had left his life. Staring at the white walls, Severus allowed himself to drift into memories, and see where his mind took him. There was fuck all else to do…

He quickly skimmed past memories of his father. The man was dead and that brought Severus enough peace. He remembered the first time he met Lilly, when he was sorted at age 11, the hell that was puberty, his elation at leaving…

He was surprised when his mind took him back to age 18. He could see himself in the mirror. Still svelte and lean, not having to control his diet as much to maintain his weight. He often had a glass of beer or sprits in one had and a cigarette in the other, all long hair and leather jacket. He remembered a brief affair he had had with an intense man in Manchester. Robert. That was his name, he was sandy hair and broad shouldered, lazy smile. Not spectacular to look at, but not someone you would never consider. A few frantic snogs against a pub wall had lead to a few weeks sharing each others bed. Severus had loved the feel of those broad shoulders and big hands. Rob had found him attractive, called him sleek and solid, had enjoyed touching him, his chest, his stomach, his legs. He seemed fascinated with the physical differences between them, and seemed determined to committee him to memory. In all honesty, Severus thought he looked alright, not fat or ugly, when he was with Rob. They must have stayed together for a few weeks, before each drifted off, no goodbye, no tears, no promises. Not long after, Severus was introduced to Riddle, and that was the end of his care free days. He had had a few one night stands over the years, none memorable and each one was tainted by his disgust for his own body, desiring another touch's, and despising the fact that they had to touch something as disgusting as him. Rob was the last truly happy and easy relationship he had ever had…Remus almost reminded him of Rob…

With a bolt Severus growled and shook his head still he felt sick and dizzy. This place was effecting the way he thought, but wasn't that how they got you? "Correct" the thought, correct the person? Remus may be reasonably good looking, intelligent and caring, but he was also manipulative, weak willed and a werewolf. The last logical part of Severus thought : "Why would a good looking, intelligent and caring man want someone like me…?"

Severus had to get out of here..

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Remus sat alone in his rooms, stretched out by the fire, glass of whiskey in one hand. Severus had been gone nearly two months now. Two months since he had seen the other man, since he had heard he was alright. Every time he or the headmaster had tried to visit the other man, the staff at the clinic had told them in no uncertain terms that Severus had no wish to see them. Even the headmasters subtle influence and twinkling eyes had failed to changed their minds about letting them in. Remus found his mind wondering over what Severus was going through in there, was he getting better or worse, when would they let him out, how could they look after him when he came home…

They had told the students that Severus had left for family reasons, and none of the staff were tolerating negative comments about the potions master in his absence. Remus wondered how much long that excuse would last, before the students started asking questions and spreading wild rumours.

With a deep sigh and a slouch to his walk he started for his rooms, preparing for bed…

RLSSRLSSRLSSRLSS

The rumours had started. Severus had been gone for some time now and wild whispers filled the corridors. Remus was on his way to the Headmasters office, and his sensitive ears were filled by hurried whispers and conspiring voices. Some said he had died, some that he had left, been fired. Some said he turned into a Vampire, was being hunted by the ministry. Everyone claimed to have heard to have seen something to prove these stories, and Remus was only grateful that they were nowhere near the truth. He quickly ascended the stairs to the office, eager to see if the Headmaster had heard anything about Severus; the man still refused to talk to either of them…

Entering the office, smile in place Remus stopped short. In a large chair, back straight and chin high sat Severus. He was clad in his customary black, obscuring his form from scrutiny, but Remus could tell his face appeared slightly fuller his eyes no longer sinking into the sockets, and his hands no longer shook. He looked stronger and less tired, and although Remus thought him still too thin, he looked wonderful. He looked himself again.

"Severus…" Remus gasped, "Welcome home!"

Severus's face stayed blank, his eyes hard and disapproving as he tensely said thank you.

"I thought you would like to see Severus the minute he arrived Remus. Doesn't he look wonderful!" Albus all but gushed, eyes twinkling and relief lingering.

"The headmasters rights Severus, you do look wonderful. Better then I have seen you look in a long time," Remus answered softly, speaking directly to the Potions Master with sincerity. Severus answered with a brief nod before speaking.

"There is no need for either of you too fuss over me like I'm made of china. Now my discreet return is complete I would like to return to my rooms. I have a lot to catch up on due to my absence."

"Yes of course Severus, Remus will walk with you-"

"There's no need" Severus cut the Headmaster off, "I am perfectly able to walk to my own rooms unescorted. I wont fall."

Albus smiled.

"Yes of course Severus. We would love to see you at dinner tonight, announce your return to the students?" Albus asked, uncertain of even asking the question.

"I'll be there. Best dispel any hopes the students have that I have gone for good," Severus replied with a smirk, before standing and walking to the door. Just as he walked past, Remus softly said,

"You do look amazing Severus, so healthy. I'm so glad your back and better."

Severus merely "hmmm"ed

RLSSRLSSRLSSRLSS

Standing in front of his ornate mirror, with its dark wood and complex designs, Severus analysed his reflection, only a white towel clad on his hips. Long fingered hands roamed his body, pulling at skin and poking at flesh, as dark eyes stared at the mirror.

He was disgusting.

Great handfuls of fat spilled into his roaming hands, where once bones were starting to become visible was a mass of pale sickly skin stuffed with the food he had been forced to eat. His whole frame seemed swamped, as fat seemed to cling to every available bone, tendon and muscle. He felt heavy, appeared to take up too much space, and every imperfection seemed magnified by the growth of his form. With a jolt, Severus realised he was chewing on the inside of his cheeks in anger and despair, the sight of himself making his want to cry and scream.

It had not been easy. He had realised that the only way they would release him from his prison was if they thought they had broke him, had won. To be able to leave, he had to get bigger. So week after soul destroying week he had eaten the disgusting fat laced food of the clinic. He had tasted the grease, smelt the oil. He put all that poison inside himself.

He wondered how long it would take to get it back out.

There were still two voices inside his head. One screaming that he was genuinely sick, that now he looked better, was healthier but still needed to eat. The other louder and more persuasive voice was ridiculing him, telling him he had let them win. Every natural instinct was telling Severus to exercise and cut down on food again, to try again to get to his perfect weight, to remove the fat from his body. All his common sense was telling him to eat more, that he was getting better.

Severus had survived this long purely due to his instincts.

Tearing his eyes away from his form he quickly got dressed, before digging out his own trunk and filling it with clothes, books, potions and other every day objects. He could no longer trust Hogwarts to protect him, its inhabitants eager to be his jailors. He had to leave, it was the only way to be his own person again, to live as he needed to live, to be free of interfering meddlers who wished to rule his life, make him pay over and over again for the mistakes of his youth. Severus was tired of trying to make amends. Clearly, nothing he could do could wipe his filthy slate clean.

Eyes hard he finished packing, levitating the trunk to the fire place, eager to leave before he was missed. He jolted when three hard knocked sounded at his door. Thinking fast, he levitated his trunk into the bathroom, closing the door, closed the door to his now empty bedroom, and took a deep breath before opening the door, aiming to be rid of whoever was on the other side as soon as possible.

Surprise surprise…Lupin stood there.

A/N

Normal apologies and all that!

Hope Severus's return was realistic. The Man too clever for his own good. Not quiet sure how am gonna start his recovery yet- but tis a firm belief that the individual must WANT to get better on some level. Going to try and push him there next chapter. Want to try and get some RL/SS in next chapter, so maybe that can give him a push, now he in a slightly more vulnerable position?

Heres a snippet of what I've already wrote just to encourage your reviews :P!

_Anger flaring, Remus clenched the slim wrist tighter, dragging the Potions Master to the mirror. Strength and glare allowing for no argument he positioned the slimmer man to stand dead in front of the reflection, the werewolf's own body framing the smaller one in the mirror. One strong hand reached up and gently yet still allowing no argument, forced Severus to raise his head and meet his reflections gaze. _

"_Should I tell you what I see Severus?" Remus all but growled. "I see…"_

_Just a teaser. I may change it yet. _

_Any ideas to how make his happen and deal with all this? How to combine romance with an eating disorder. How to make it realistic? What to avoid? If you have any ideas please please let me know!_

_Anyway, review! Let me know what you think and I will send you a cookie!_

_Review!_


	16. AN REQUESTNOTE

I am aware that this is not allowed and I will take it down in a day or two. Just a quick announcement.

I am aware that I have severely let his story lapse and gather dust, and I am very sorry to all my loyal readers. You have all kept me going through the years.

Sadly, I find myself with limited time to dedicate to this story, and the muse visits rarely now (again my own fault for ignoring her for so long).

I do intend to finish. I can not promise how long this will take. If however, there is anyone out there who would like to collaborate on this with me, and help kick me into gear, I would love to hear from you. You would of course have full credit and artistic licence, to have your influence in the story. Maybe working with someone will finally give me the push I sooo need.

If anyone is interested please either leave it in a review or email me at akutenshi2001 at ywho do tco dot uk.

Thank you all so much, I can not put into words how much your support over the years has meant. You are wonderful people, and I wish good karma on you all J

Thank you

See you soon!


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